So

So today is my last day and then tonight I am back in the Closet. I really have to stop drinking so much Wine on the Girls Vac. Well it was fun while it lasted. I need to make an appointment to see my Therapist some time early this year. I need to connect with someone Human. This is one of the things that the  computer cant give you. Even if you were to Skype. It is just not the same as being in the same Physical Space.

Yaaah

I was able to go to our version of China Town and get some Frilly things for the Nether region. Which was quite cool. I know the one bunch will fit me just I have to try a new one that I got to day. Unfortunately I will have to wait for my next Girl Vac. Since tonight is my last night before I have to climb back in the closet. At least I was able to relax drink some Vodka. I put some in my Red Wine just for interest sake and it wasn't bad. I got to watch some of the DVDs I like so all in all it wasn't so Bad.

What

What is that we need to feel that we represent the inner self. At least the way you perceive yourself to be. I think even in this is it what box do you want to fit into. For instance Male, Female or a variation in between. Or do you actually want to fit in these given pigeon holes. So some want to be woman and raise children etc. I couldn't see myself doing that. The Domestic Goddess is good for some but not me. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I sincerely think that the bounds of Sexuality and the way we present will alter a lot moving into the future. Not necessarily in the next few years. But definitively further down the line. imagine being able to redesign your body and not in the conventional sense either. We certainly are moving in that direction.Designer babies for instance. Sorry to get all Futurist on you.

Taking Woodstock - You're Security Clip

Cooool

So as I said before I am going to be able to have a break where I can be myself. Well this is it! For the next couple of days I am free to be me. Well as close as I can get to for the moment. So first things First is to doll up this body. So I painted my nails Black. Well because I like Black, nothing wrong with that. Every Girl has her colour. next comes out my dainties. By that I mean thongs etc. Obviously with the disconnect thing. I have to Imagine it was with the body I should or choose to have. if that makes any sense. As before the problem with this is when I Have to return to normal. That is a bit of a let down. I would rather have that, than never being able to come close to expressing myself at all. I Girl must be happy with we can scrounge together in each of our situations.

Back to The Status Quo

I have been trying to entertain the thought of being in another body other that my present one. for I suffer the same fate that allot of Trans Girls do. That being the inner not matching the outer. So that when you happen to look in the mirror you jump from fright.Saying is that me. So in large part for my own experience. I have a disconnect with my body. I literally don't see myself in my body or my body not belonging to me. I do realize however that it is a vehicle for my current State and like all vehicles needs to maintained. But I still do not Identify with it at all.
The Status Quo issue is the one of feeling that I need to be entertaining People. Where as this is a very personal Journey for me. Even though I don't express to much about my particulars. I am able to write down in Obtuse  my thoughts. Which acts as an Outlet for me. Dr Prescribed.

Maybe, Maybe Not

To this i still firmly believe that trans Girls are not the same as women. It is a different type of Sexuality. I know that some people will vehemently disagree with me. Well it is just my opinion. Yes some would want to Go Stealth and be recognized as a women. There are those of us who want to be seen as Transsexuals. So there I said. Make of it what you will. I will however at a later stage go into it a bit deeper.

Yaaahh

I have just finished posting on a Sisters Facebook Page. To say the least she is not only in the Closet but has a people making sure she does not come out at all.Which makes me Depressed. So all communication has been suspended. I don't what is worse Knowing or not Knowing what is going on?

What

What is it that we need to feel that we can accept ourselves. I cant imagine that doing your nails will make you love yourself anymore than you would if you did not. I think that if we are comfortable with ourselves then it would not really matter what others feel or think about us. Acceptance is not external its comes from within.

Fascinating

It would really be Fascinating if someone were to do a study the possible link between hormones and Ego. I would think that more Aggressive and narcissistic in the male domain would be because of a high level of Testosterone. I don't if any of you have thought about this but if there were a possible link it could explain a lot.

So Yes

So yes I have decide to well bring the two Blogs together. Its just too much work. The one is personal and the other was general. For me it made sense but as I say its too much work.

The Cure

There are certain bands that we recognize as the sound track of our lives. Well The Cure is certainly one of mine. Even to this day I love His look. The scruffy bed look. It certainly would be allot more interesting if we all could dress the way we wanted to. Instead of this cookie cutter attitude that society has. Like the Brand name thing which really is perverse exercise in Vain Glory or even Narcissism. Seriously who are they kidding. The funniest thing is to see all these so called Fashion Fundis postulating at the feet their Self made Gods. So you would ask how do we go from The Cure to Fashion. Well that's simply it. Simply screw what others find as acceptable and dress the way you want. Create your own fashion. Why be a mindless sheep following what people describe as trends. Some body is laughing all way the to the Bank.

Says who.

We all are asked to prescribe to this sense of Normalcy that is prescribed to us. Who is to say that just because the Majority think its correct that it is correct. Society can be quite prescriptive. Like you have to go through specific things before they will acknowledge that you are Trans. There is even tests f or that you have to pass. We fall under GID Gender Identity Disorder amongst other Clinical terms. Firstly who says its a Disorder. I could go on and on.

Dreams

My Meds are really giving me a run for my money. There is this specific med that  make my Dreams both vivid and real. its better than a soap opera but then when the the dream gets hectic its no longer any fun. For instance last night. I was going through some of my past and the Relations I had with the different members of My family. If you knew anything about my Family you would understand that they are dysfunctional at best. And the past has not been easy. Well I don't think that my situation is much different to allot of Trans girls. For that matter they don't even have to be Trans to have experienced a bum life. You will realise that I never mention specifics because it snot necessary since my situation is not unique. Even though I am Unconventional. I must find out what the term was that was used.

Sometimes

Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives and the things around us that we loose sight of what is important. I often get lost and have to reassess where I am and take drastic measures to get myself back on Track. Which I have to say is something that most People will not get or understand. I have been told in a polite way that I am " Non Conformist" I just wish I could remember the term that was used but it means the same thing,. I cannot for the life of me see life the way that most people see it.

Weird

This will seen rather strange. But here goes nothing. It is quite cool that I have had no hits on my blog as of yet the first were just the Blog forgetting that I was working on it and so counted my working as hits. So in a sense I am really speaking to myself. Think of it as a private world within Cyber Space where I get to express myself. Without the pressure of having to entertain anybody.

Coool

At least we have allot of Fantasy Movies being released this year. For instance "The Hobbit" amongst others. At the moment I am reading A Culture Novel By Ian F Banks. Unfortunately I did not realized that there is a time sequence but each Culture Novel can be read on its own. Well I stand to correction. It seems that quite a few of Trans Girls are fond of Fantasy?

Naive

You would think that being part of a Fringe Society would necessarily automatically mean that all those in the same boat as it where.Would band together. Well no unfortunately not. Just as much that you would think that all those in your grouping would be upstanding citizens. Then your bubble gets popped. For certainly People are People no matter their Orientation, Religion, Culture etc. I think it just comes down to hopefulness. You just wish for a change that you could have some to rely on as reliable as you are. But that would be a false expectation. How naive we can be sometimes.

Looks

Our Appearance is to large extent never the same as we feel inside. Which is the shocking part of being Trans. When looking on the inside out with out the reminder of what really look like. We can believe that we are what we think we look like. Its only when we look in the mirror that we realise that the two don't match. That's not to say that there aren't any Tgirls out there that are stunning. But the sad point is that there are allot of us who don't. I suppose this also doesn't help in dealing with the reality out there. For the most part we are looked on as Freaks.

So

So I'm back from a well deserved rest. The Sun was out all the time which was cool. At least I got to unwind to the most part. I have the urge to go see my Therapist. I think mainly to just get my mind sorted out. It becomes a bit tough when you are the only one you can talk to. By that I mean Face to Face.