Depression

I suppose the fact that I am severely depressed makes a difference in the way I see things. The fact that I am Trans does not help especially that I am in the Closet does not help. I do however feel that I am fading away.
It would be hard for me to explain what I mean by fading away. Lets say I am becoming less of myself. I really am just existing at the moment. Hence all the time I sleep or just lay around. Even My Therapist is worried about me. I too am worried about myself. I really have to find something that can motivate me. I know that I cant Come Out. Which does really not help at all. You will have to forgive me for I am just rambling here. I really am just trying to express myself. Well what is left of me. For the Depression has taken most of that away.

Feeling

I feel weird I just cant put my finger on why. I don't know if it is because I have been out of contact with the Trans Family or because I have been out of touch with myself. I do know that it has something to do with being Trans. It is kinda difficult being in the Closet for things get jumbled up and you cant necessarily tell what is going on sometimes. You cant put your finger on why your feeling a specific way. Then again it could just be me. It could just be that I have been sleeping way too much lol. None the less I will get to the bottom of it.
I picked up some weight since I have been away. Which I am not too happy about for I know it's going to be a bitch to get off. Once you got it. It just does not want to go away quietly. Plus I have not been to Gym in December. So I am totally unfit. Which  is another reason to feel weird about.

You Know

Well it has been one of those Days. You know when you have something that You Think is going to workout and you kinds have been Banking on it. Going through all the possibilities of what you are gonna do when it does come to pass. So you spend  your Time preparing for the good News. And then when you do get The News its exactly the Opposite of what you expected. Its like getting Punched in the Gut. Well its One of those Days for me. Ordinarily I don't allow My expectations to be built up. Then just once, then it Collapses.

Just A Bit

I am depressed just a bit. Actually I lie. First off I have to go see this Dr tomorrow which is costing an Arm and a Leg. I don't really want to get into it now just say that is a fight that I have on my Hands at the moment. With a Specific Company. This is in regards to some Meds I am taking that is not recognized as part of a Specific treatment. I am not even Out and I am battling already. If you ever come out be prepared. That is if you want to get on the Path to Transition. For it will involve seeing a lot Of Doctor's and costing a lot. I have to run now. So I just wanted to say one more thing for now. Sexuality is a choice as to who you are attracted to. Gender is who you are. Just because your Trans that does not automatically qualify you as being gay. And vice versa.

Shame

Feeling just a bit Blue from yesterday. Which is to be expected. Life goes on so its back to expressing myself in  small unnoticeable ways. You have to otherwise it will drive you insane. Oh yes I see my Therapist on the Sly. The only people who know is my Therapist and a Girlfriend. So even that is done in secret. Unfortunately I cant see the Therapist that often. So I have to wait for a chance to see the Therapist. Th e next time will probably be in May and that will only have been the second time this year. Fortunately My Therapist specializes in GID. Which I think is essential since we are dealing with a whole lot of issues. Which require specific Knowledge that an Ordinary Therapist would not know. So I at least have that.

I Tried

I tied. I really did but I failed. I mean the whole piercing thing. So I almost pulled it off. Everything went according to Plan. Except it was just a moment when I thought I was going to get away with it. You could see the wheels in motion and then all of a sudden it went into reverse. It was so close. But you could see the light go on. Like all of a sudden it became clear what I was trying to do. So I had to back off which was a bit of a blow. but still nothing ventured nothing gained. Sorry Girls but I did try my hardest. We just cant win all the battles.

So

So i got this message reminding me on Facebook that one of my Trans Sister is having her Bday this week and I mustn't forget to wish her Happy Bday. What Facebook does not know is that I haven't been able to speak to her for a year. For the People around her decided to have cut off all communication with The Trans Community. I to am in a similar situation but I am naughty and do not always do what I am told. Hence this Blog amongst other things. Yet my situation is not as bad as my Sisters situation. So what I do is post messages for her on her Facebook wall in the hope that she will be able to sneak a peak one day and see that she has not been forgotten. My heart goes out to all those that are still in the closet and to those that have very strict Gate Keepers. Well  also to those that live in Countries where its not even heard of to be Trans. It Breaks My Heart.

Ssshheesh

Sometimes don't you just feel like running of into the distance screaming "Run away run away" as you do  it. Surely there has to be a better way of doing this than this way.

Ok

So its done I am back in the closet. I have started going back to Gym. Which is quite a thing especially after the Festive Season. Well we will try get this body back into shape. Not to say that it was in shape to start off. I don't really do it for the same reason that other people do it. Its more to just preserve my body as I get older. So That  I don't end up looking like a stick when I do eventually get old.