incredibly long and depressing life update

Funny

I cant remember when there was a time when I expressed myself. Apart from the normal set of explanations as to what I did during the day. I am not doing too well at the moment. And have not been for awhile. So you will have to bear with me. This Depression is sucking me in. I am not in the position to make comments as I was able to some time ago. It will take a huge effort to do so on my on behalf. So hang in there those that follow me. this is a very rare time when I am able to do so on a weekend. You know I take a huge risk to do so on Weekends. Thanks to those that do so. I am ever so grateful. I need the support more than ever

Therapy

So yesterday was My Therapy day. Which I went to and it was a bit challenging to say the least. But was ok. After that I had a mishap and was so bummed by it that I did not feel like posting yesterday since I was depressed. I am not going to go in to what the mishap was just trust me it was not nice at all. So when I got home all I did was sleep.
Today I got up late and did some washing and folded the other washing. Other than that I was  sleeping on my bed. I decided to post today even though I am still depressed from yesterday. Hopefully the situation will resolve itself and I can get back to the norm.

Depression

I have to say that My Depression is quite ok at this moment. My Anxiety is manageable to a large degree. Both of these can change at any moment. I am grateful for the moment that I am in an Ok spot at the moment. I could be a lot better but I will take what I can get.

Not Much

Today has been one of those days where I have not done much beside going to Therapy and sleeping and you all know why I sleep (Depression)

Struggles

I have to say that each day now is an absolute (I want to say Burden but that is the wrong word) Drag. I just can not seem to snap out of it. My Depression is really taking over. I am have no motivation. I am totally disinterested in just about everything. I really need to find away out of My Depression before it becomes worse. Trust me it can get worse much worse. I probably bring this up every now and then since it is all pervasive. I can't not talk about it since it is such a big part of my life.

Haven't

Of Late I have not been feeling myself to such an extent that it is a battle for me to express myself. I am sure you have noticed by now that my posts get shorter and shorter. I am really depressed at the moment and it's affecting me in a negative way. So much so that it has got me worried. I am worried that I wont be able to snap out of it. So you will have to bear with me as I fight this depression hopefully I will win. Otherwise I have no idea what I am going to do.

Depression

My Depression is affecting me quite badly since I have lost all my Motivation and now I have lost all interest in stuff around me. We have dealt with it in Therapy and it will be an on going thing I have to deal with. I am sleeping quite a lot because of the Depression which is not good thing as well. I am not too sure what it is that will snap me out of this down ward spiral. Hopefully I don't sink to low into my Depression.

Sleeping

I have been Sleeping alot of late. The only thing now is I am getting use to it. I only went to Gym once this week and that was yesterday. I don't really go much more than that anymore. Thats how much this current funk is getting to me. It really has changed my life at the moment. I cant even get the motivation up to go to Gym more than once a week. I still manage basic things. I just really have no interest for anything at the moment. Damn it's no fun. I am still seeing my Therapist and taking Meds. So if it weren't for that it would be a lot worse.

So

I am doing a bit better even though I spent most of the day in bed. Which is not always a good thing. Well it happens when you are depressed. We are not talking about being Sad we are talking about being depressed which is a huge thing. Or at least a huge difference. I did however mange to go to Gym today which is a good thing. It went ok. I kinda have to force myself to do things otherwise I will literally be in bed the whole day. So that is it for today. Hopefully I am able to get back to normal some time soon. Please keep me in your thoughts. Thanx.

Feeling

I am feeling bit weird today can't really put my finger on it. maybe I have had too much sugar. lol. Well it could be the case. Then again back to reality . I am just not feeling myself today. I feel a bit depressed to tell the truth. I am also a bit Anxious. To tell the truth I just feel like sleeping for I am also feeling a bit tired. Which is the Depression. Yesterday was a good day and today I have crashed.

Numb

I am feeling rather Numb and have been for awhile. What I mean by that is that I am emotionally numb. I don't really feel much of anything. I do get depressed but seldomly happy. I just feel wasted. Like everything is Blah. I suppose it does come across sometimes in the Blog especially yesterday. I can't say what it is going to take to get me out of this Fug. Because I have a feeling it is going to last awhile since I have been feeling like this for awhile already. Lets call it a type of Depression if you want to. I suppose part of it is knowing I will never be able to Come Out. Well that would do it for just about anyone.

I Was

Last night was a particularly difficult night for me since I was really Depressed so much it made me worry. I haven't been this Depressed this much in awhile. I suppose you can only maintain the equilibrium for so long. I am not to sure if you spell it like that, anyway not Train Smash. I told you if you suppress yourself for so long it will come out when you least expect it to. Well last night was a perfect example of that.

Depressed

Depression

Well I have not been doing as well in the last week or so. I am pretty Lethargic at the moment and keep putting things of due to a lack of interest. For instance |I did not go to Gym yesterday. I will try to go tomorrow. Not that it makes up for the time I missed. It was the same last week.  I am going through one of those fugs again. I suppose it comes and goes dependent on the situation. They call it Situational depression. Well you get two types of Depression Chemical and Situational. Just for interest sake. It really is not all that surprising since you know my situation and that every now and then I do get depressed. So there is nothing new about that. it really is not that easy to always see the positive issues.

Alone

This comes up every now and then. It is a subject I address quite often for it is a feature of being Closeted. This too is responsible for some of the Depression we go through. I really cant quantify it or even give it a score as far as percentages go. I think it has more to do with the fact that we really have no one to share it with. That is both the fact the that your in the Closet plus the fact you have no one to Relate to. That also is in person. Its quite easy to find someone well actually its, not online that can relate. I could just be talking around in circles for all I know. lol. Well it really does not make anything easier at the end of the day. Since you really have to be your own best friend as well as confidant . Well you try doing that when your Depressed.

Sometimes

Just every now and then or quite a lot do I wish that this was all over.No I don't mean committing suicide although the thought has crossed My Mind. I just wish everything could be normalized. That I just could all of this over. It is no fun being depressed its no fun being stuck in the closet. Its nor fun not having any T Girls for Friends and I mean live in the Flesh. It no fun not having any friends too turn to that know who you are and what your going through. Plus to have to watch all these T Girls that are living there lives out in the open is even worse. Not that I am not happy for them. I am grateful that there are those that can be themselves. Plus your gonna hear this time and time again for its something I have to deal with on a ongoing basis. it never changes for me. Sometimes I am just more aware of it than others it does not mean that its not there.

A Killer

Even today and Probably will for ever be a problem. For I can not see a future for Myself as to coming Out. Please Note that this is My Reality that I will not be able to Come Out ever. So we are back to the depression because of the Fact That I am So Lonely that it is a Killer. Even amongst People you can feel Alone because of the fact that No One really knows who and what you are and never will either. I long For Friends that would know and accept me for who I am. Being the Closet makes it even more difficult to do that. The Only Possibility is through the Net and through Forums. Which I have Tried and even the Friends I made there have slowly drifted away for various reasons. namely they have lives and they are also going through hell. So Being a Closeted Tranny is a Killer.
Just writing this enough to make me Depressed. Which if you follow My Blog is one Of The Things I suffer from. Well it goes without saying. And it will continue to be that way. Not to mention all the other things that I go through it is all vicious circle. The repetitive nature of it is also a Killer.

A Little Bit

When I watch the "My Transsexual Summer" I get a bit depressed to see the Girls doing things together. What I would do to have some T Girls as Friends and be out in the open. Ok Screamm, Moannn, Sobbbb and just generally run with your arms in the air. Then go lie on your bed and sink into a depression.
Oh for Freedom on all fronts. You see even though your Out you might not be able to find a Job and if you don't have Money then your screwed. Oh how cruel this thing can be. Not to forget that if you don't have money then no Surgeries. It makes a lot of sense why a lot of Girls resort to Prostitution. it just tears at my heart. What is the answer? So all of this makes me just A Little Bit Depressed actually forget that a lot Depressed. No wonder I look at so many Vlogs just so I have some release from the Torment. No to mention the bit about living Vicariously.

Just A Bit

Just a insy weenie tiny bit. I have had a couple of really weird days lately. Just have this dark cloud hovering above me. It makes for really good dreams. Then again it feels really weird. So weird I just cant describe it or even put my finger on it. Some time ago I was really depressed so much so They had to change My Meds since they weren't working, The new ones work better than the last not to say I cant get depressed. This is a no going struggle for those stuck in the Closet. Sometimes it makes me really sad when I see other T Girls living their lives Out and About. Not that I don't celebrate the fact that they are able to do so. It shows for others that things do Get Better. Ok this time it can Be a Mmmooooooooooooaaaannn !!!!!