Honest

I don't do this much nowadays but every now and then I express myself since this and My Therapist is the only voice I have. At the moment and generally speaking I fell absolutely alone being in the Closet. It can be quite intense sometimes. I have tired reaching out to other T Girls on Facebook but to no avail. So I continue to be alone even though I post. You must understand that this is usual for those in the closet. We are desperate for the human touch.

Reality

Reality has taught me specifically that my situation will not change. So I have to accept the lot that has been dealt me. That being in the Closet. This will never change. So for me to beat myself about it, is insanity. So I have decided to surrender myself to the situation I face. For fighting it is not getting me anywhere. Hence the reason I only post what I have done during the day. Any thing more would be torture for myself. For it is bad enough being in the Closet. Sop I hope you will understand my position. I will post every now and then something to this sort. Just to release a bit of tension.

The Closet

Not much has changed since yesterday in regard to the whole Transition thing. It will take awhile before I can possibly think about such things for the moment I just want to be. Want to be without the Heartache that goes with being stuck in The Closet. There is stuff that just creeps up on you most of the time and they are unexpected but for the moment I will be happy just to let go and whatever happens happens. I don't know if this is making any sense at the moment. I am trying to say something I am just not sure it's coming out all right? Well lets try one more time. Being in the closet is enough to make you depressed what with all the stuff you cant do and fantasize about . You just need a break from everything every now and then otherwise it becomes too much. There I got it this time. Lol

Self ( Transgender Issues )

I think for the most part this is the most Important aspect of being Trans and that  is Self Acceptance. It really matters that you are able to love yourself. It really does not matter if you pass. It is more the point is that you are able to accept yourself. Yes I know that you would want to pass then what if you cant. Well I can only speak for myself I would not transition . I would only if I was able to have dramatic Plastic Surgery. Then and then only would I star. Before that I would live in kinda Purgatory or place of stagnation. In this I am not joking. I would not if I were to come out. Yes I would go on Hormones for it would give me the stability that I need. ( Hence the Depression). So I would be instate of limbo for the rest of my life which I would be happy with. Kinda Androgynous state. For this I know most people would find this intolerable but I am realistic. I know for a fact that I an not pass as I am now. Finished so therefore I would not want to put my self through that just so I think I would pass but back at the ranch I am as ugly as Dame Edna. Well we have to be honest with ourselves, I love to see when people are able to Transition without a hiccup. issues

I Keep

I keep getting images of Freddie Mercury all dressed up singing "I want To Break Free". This is how I feel most of the time. Well I am talking about when he has the vacuum cleaner. lol. Just to much "I Want To Break Free". I am sure it must be the same song that a lo of people that are stuck in the Closet would want to sing and if they don't know the song then they must see it. I am going to Post the song at the end of my postings. Ok I know it does not talk or he does not sing about being in the Closet but just the chorus is enough to get you going.

I Am

I am quite glad that I am back and reactivated My Blog. I just miss all the people that used to follow. I doubt I will be able to get them back, for they must think that I am gone for ever. Never the less. I think the most important part is that I am up and going. I also how ever have the company of my red wine which I managed to get which makes a difference. Only on the weekends do I drink. I know it makes no sense. But believe from where I sit it makes sense. I don't think that anyone can figure out my circumstances. Apart from the fact that I am Closeted and will never have the chance to come out. No matter how old I am. This is something you will have to remember going forward.

Insanity

One definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. My definition for Insanity is longing for something that will never come to pass. So if that's a definition of Insanity then I Plead Guilty  Yesterday I was thinking about this and all the stuff I put Myself through being Envious of those that are Out and About. No kidding I do drive Myself Crazy and yet this is the Only way I survive. I don't think I would be able to survive if I did not drive Myself CrAazy  which in of itself is a Dichotomy. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Well that's supposed to be a scream if you did not know by now. What you will notice by now is that there is cyclical nature to the stress and the things that I go through. Its like going over and over the same issues. For if your Out and About then your stresses are different to those in The Closet. For us it will cyclical for there is no release at all. I do think that I will have more Issues this year than the Previous Years. I will get into that at a later stage. Well I hope I will.