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Plastic Surgery

I have been watching an Interview done with Pete Burns of "Dead or Alive" fame. Simply the discussion was around all the Surgery he has had done. Which has gone bit too far on the Mouth/Lips. In the earlier cosmetics Surgeries he looks fab. Its just that now his lips look like a Trout's lips. If you can call it that.

For us its just a matter of trying to get Our Faces done too look more Feminine. So dependent on how the person looks will determine how much surgery needs to be done. Obviously we are not looking to have that Plastic look. When someone has had too much Surgery done. Its more of a natural look to fit in rather than to stand out.

I personally would want quite a bit to be done to the extent that no one would recognize me. Well I would need it. Plus I am not some one that would want to go Stealth. I would want to celebrate that I am Trans. I am not and never will be ashamed or apologetic too the extent that I would want hide amongst the Masses  Obviously I cant do it now and most probably will never be able to. Since my Closetedness ( I invented this term lol)  is one because of the circumstances I find myself in wont allow for it.

If your considering go under the Knife please do a lot of research on the Dr you have chosen. If a miracle would happen. I know of two Surgeons possibly three that I would go to. Simply because or referrals and I have seen the work of one of them. The rest by reputation amongst T girls wold over.

Just a Bit

So I gained One and half over the weekend. So it was a little of a bummer. So hopefully I will be able to ditch it this week and get back to what I was. Still got a way until I get to my goal weight.

Almost

For a moment there was a hic up with my net connection. I was not sure how long it was going to take before it was operational. Especially since I was not able to post today yet. So I was just a little bit concerned. Fortunately it came back on. Well I wouldn't have been able to post this had it not. lol

Meds

Saw the Doctor again today. My Meds were increased just two weeks. Well lets see if it makes any difference.

On My Mind

I have had Vanessa on my mind a lot. She is the one that went to Mexico for the surgery. She is the one that made her money through Prostitution, Because she could not afford it any other way. A fair number of Trans Girls resort to Prostitution to exist and to be able to afford whatever. Society is not that accepting of T Girls. Its such a pity. I would really like it to be that all of T Girls would have access to Facilities and Health Care. So at least they don't have to go some dodgy Mexican surgeon to have stuff done.

Must

I must get My Tattoo on My back finished  Been procrastinating for awhile. Then again it might take me awhile longer to get done. Well we shall see what happens. I am not holding my breath. Its been awhile since I saw my Tattoo Artist. She is really Fab. Like a little cute Pixie. might need to just pop into say Hi.

Yesterday

Sorry to say. I did not get up to any mischief last night. In fact I went to bed early. I Love My Bed. Did watch a little bit of Telly. Had the one show of John Galliano. Some of the dresses where really Fab. Had a little Red wine and a cold pasta salad for supper. All in all a very quite night for Me.

Today

So far its just like any other day. Well that's Me time until sometime tonight. The longer ones work out a lot better. Since there is more time for me to do what I want. Well that goes without saying. Watching the fourth part of the 20/20 documentary. I don't know if I have dealt with this before. A number of the T Girls have to resort to Prostitution to support themselves and their Transition  GID is Probably one of the most costly diagnoses since there is so much that needs to be done. The Hormones is a lifetime commitment. At best its heartbreaking to see T Girls going through such extreme ways to get to Transition. There really has to be a better way.

Good News

So I saw the Therapist today. I was told by the Therapist that it will One and a Half years before moving on. It makes it easier then since the Sessions can flow better. As opposed to just a few sessions and then Nothing. its important to find a Therapist that will be with you for the long haul. The Sessions are more beneficial since you don't have to keep going through the same thing over and over.

Back

So I just got back. Sneaked off to a bottle store to get some more Red Wine. because I am having a Me Day tomorrow  Unfortunately it does not include a night away. Which would have been cool.

Tomorrow

So Tomorrow I am seeing my Therapist. it turns out that I see the Therapist once a week. I am particulary feeling Fragile at the moment. Just waiting for confirmation to see if this Therapist is going to stay at this Hospital. if not it means going through the same Process again. Which for the most part is Laborious. it gets a bit much when you have to repeat your history over and over again. Therapy takes a long time before you notice any benefits. Also remembering that you will have to get one of them to sign off on your SRS if you ever happen to go that far.

Lucky

These are the Lucky ones. Especially if your family is behind you and are supportive. For the rest of us its the usual of nerve racking either being stuck in the Closet or wanting to come out. The Coming Out is the harder since you have no idea as to how people are going to react. Most the time you are surprised by who is supportive and who is not. Well its the old story repeated time and time again. If you listen to the stories of those that have Come Out. There is a common Thread that runs through them.

Boys will be girls 20/20 Documentary Part 1 of 4

Boys will be girls 20/20 Documentary Part 2 of 4

Boys will be girls 20/20 Documentary Part 3 of 4

Boys will be girls 20/20 Documentary Part 4 of 4

Trans

I think I have touched on this before. That what defines you as being Trans. Personally I think that it is as simple as knowing that you are Trans is enough. Notice I did not say thinking. I you really know you are Trans that is enough. You don't even have to be on the road to transition  You don't have to be Pre or even Post. Hormones or nor Hormones that is irrelevant. people place too much emphasis on the process than actually just supporting each other as Trans. No matter what.
If you lived on an island and had no access to all the medical prescribed steps to Transition. Would you not be Trans, that would be ludicrous.

Nails

So I cut them because they were starting to get really long. My nails grow extremely quick and are thick as well. So I had to go back to the Male acceptable length. which is nothing.

You would Think

You would think that we all are supportive of each other but it really boils down to the fact that your on your own at the end of the day. Well you don't have to be Trans to feel this way. it is just particularly acute for us. Well that's the ones who are closeted. You will often hear me referring to this particular subject over and over. Since you really do get tired of playing alone in the closet. There is only so much that you can do. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Well at least that's not done falling off the edge of a cliff. Plus I have had to tone it down so that I don't get caught. Which is always a risk. I just don't want to see my world implode.

Coming Along

So Gym is coming along slowly but surely. Lost a couple just hope that I can keep it that way. Its harder to loose than to gain. We all know this very well.

Awesome

So for the moment my nails are looking awesome. Which I will probably have to cut soon before they attract too much attention. Since which male has stunning Nails. lol This is the one thing that I have going for me and that is my nails are fantastic.

I Tried

I was in a music store today. I thought I would look up and see if they had "Placebo" "Androgyny". Unfortunately they did not have on their system. So I asked to see if they could find it for me. Hopefully They will be able to find since Placebo is one of My Fav bands. I shouldn't have to tell why They are on of my Fav bands. Get one of their cds or better yet look at one of their clips on the You Tube Channel. then you will understand. Ok I will give you a slight clue the Lead Singer is Androgynous.

Lazy Day

I got up late and then was running around the shops looking for something specific. Unfortunately was not able to find the thing. Supposedly they don't make it any more. So I am bit late. You cant always get what you want. So now I have to look for someone that can make it. Which will involve a lot of running around again. Well that's Life no getting around it. Its amazing how quickly things come and go. You can never rely on the fact that it will be there the next time your there. So a lot of time I try to get when I first see it. That is if I dont have a list of things to get. Which I normally have. Except I have come to the conclusion that we really do not need so much Shite in our Lives. So I wont be buying just about anything any more.

I'm Back

Back from my session with my Therapist. The sessions go so quickly. It almost feels like you just getting started and then its time to go. I really do wish they could be longer. Well when I see my other Therapist then is normally a lot longer than one hour. Which I prefer.

Leaking

I have been thinking about this again. Leaking would be when Feminine traits sneak out while your in Your Male Persona. WE all have a perception of the way we look from the Inside Out. That's why a lot of us hate our Male Bodies. Since the Outside does not reflect the Inside at all. Unless your one of the Gorgeous set. You know the ones I am talking about like Ana Mancini for example. Now she is an absolute stunner. There are others but we are not listing all the Fab T Girls.
So when we feel the need to wear something like a G String it really is for the benefit of our true self's that is leaking through the Male Persona. That's why if you watch really carefully you can see the leaks. It just can not be contained at all. We just try to minimize the amount of leaks. Otherwise we are really Outing Ourselves. Which could be hazardous. Now not all T Girls feel the same way about this. Yet there are of us which it is true of.

To-morrow

So I am beginning to look forward to my sessions with My Therapist. Its the one time in the week I get to come out in front of another human being. Well that's enough to get anyone excited. lol. Yes I know its quite Sad isn't.

Back To Normal

I am Pleased to report that I was able to sleep and I did not sleep an inordinate amount. Although it did cross my mind. Why you say. Well its a well known fact that when your Depressed you sleep more. Its a way with coping with whats going on in your life. So anyone stuck in the Closet will tell you that they are depressed.

Sleep

I have just spent an inordinate amount of time sleeping. Lets put it into figures. 16 to be precise. First time for that. I normally spend quite a bit of time sleeping but not that much. Normally its between 10 and 12 hours dependent on how I feel. I was supposed to meet someone later but they cancelled so I thought what the heck I will sleep in before you know it it was 16 hours. Which then I decided to get up. I just hope I can sleep tonight. Crazy hey.

Pale Foundation: How to

White

So while waiting for the second Doctor I saw this Woman with milk white skin. Which I personally like. I don't go for the fake tan look. Unfortunately I don't pure white skin. I have a pinky white skin. What makes it even better when they have long black hair that too I don't have. I am Blonde. We always want what we don't have.

Two

So I saw two Doctors today. Each to get Meds from. So luckily I did have to wait too long for either. it does not happen very often that I get to see two on the same day.

Interesting

I was watching a short Documentary on Jodie Marsh we she went to The States for a Competition. Just loved the red hair. I thought I would just say that. Put it out there. lol

Stop

So for the Moment I have to stop buying Clothes since I have more than enough. Well that is My normal clothes. In as far as Panties go I have way too many so even that side of My Clothes I have to stop. Only if I see something absolutely stunning will think about it.

Feeling

Still have nothing about me supposed to be doing something. Kinda just blank at the moment. Nothing Monumental to report.

Very Important

It is very important that you understand that I am a closeted T  Girl. There are only 4 people who know about it and two of those are Therapists.

Further than that everything I write about is down behind the scenes if you want to use that term of phrase. Its not like I run around openly doing all these things. Pretty much all of it is done in such a way that I will not be outed. The worst thing of all is that I am going to be in The Closet till the day I DIE. The situation that I am in is very complicated. When I talked about being depressed I mean really Depressed not the generic Unhappy. yes I am on Meds for the Depression. This is being treated as Depression and nothing else. The Doctors do not know about My G.I.D.
Nothing short a Miracle will be able to change my situation.
This Blog is done as an Outlet ( A way to express myself) for me since I only have Therapists that I can see and talk to about whats happening  That too is complicated. Since both have been told by myself that they can not disclose anything I say or do.

Feeling

I just have got this very Strange feeling. I cant explain it since I don't even know what its. All I do know is that I am supposed to be doing specific. Just the weirdest thing. Then it could be from too much Red Wine. it is almost like Deja Vu except its not a place but rather something I should be doing and its not tied to anything specific. Then again It might be because I ate too many hamburgers.

Howl

So sad. So it finally happened. That is the demise of the first Chat Room Forum that I was on. Very sad to see it go. I don't think there will be anything to replace. So its left a rather large vacuum behind. Well that's life you can always count on things changing. Some just have longer staying power than others. Never the less it is still sad to see it go. For the moment I will lament its demise.

Cool

Saw My Therapist today. The session went really fast. The sessions are 50 minutes in length even though they feel like 10 minutes. Still doing the History part will start on the more serious parts next time. Therapy is a very slow process. So you cant expect miracles to happen immediately.

JHCosmetics - Skincare

On the Morrow

So I will be seeing My new Therapist tomorrow again. Which I have to say that I am looking forward to it. My Therapist is quite good. For us T Girls its an on going thing so really its just another thing to do. Plus if you were ever to transition you  would need someone to sign off for SRS. Not that I would ever be able to since my Closeted Case is a permanent thing. Unless an absolute Miracle were to happen. And I mean a Complete absolute Miracle. It would have to be huge covering a number of areas in my Life. So I am being cryptic  Well it goes with the territory that of being Closeted.

Its Ok

My efforts at the Gym are yielding very slow results  Lost a couple not much to write to home about. Kinda Hovering around the same amount. Not that I am a gym bunny. I don't try to kill myself on the machines as others do. I take it rather leisurely. Supposedly for my Body and Blood type I am not to do strenuous exercise or High Impact. Which is fine by me. Obviously if were to do the exercises like the Gym Bunnies I would be a lot further down the road.

Saying

"WHEN DAYS ARE DARK FRIENDS ARE FEW"

Watching

So I have been watching some of the Vlogs from AndroGenetics. Specifically Monday and Thursday. Thursday is quite Witty and Monday we all know as Michael James. Basically to lift ones Spirits. Its a pity that we don't have something similar for the TransGender community.

Struggle

I am really struggling with what the Meds have done to me. Its like its changed me. I am no longer the same any more. Even posting on this Blog is taking a lot of effort. Not that concerns anyone. Ok I am feeling a little make that a lot different. Just wish I could get back to what I was.

Why

Why is it only through a complete change are we able to express ourselves. What is it with ourselves that we have to resort to such extreme situations before we are able to come out.

So Redifined

Ok so I am little bit drunk at the moment listening to ELO. Its no longer Girls Vac now its Me Time. Which is going to happen  less often. Times change so does the time we spend free also become less. Need less to say I stay the same. Amongst all the effort it takes to make sense. Heaven forbid I lose it.

Yet Again

Yes was crawling through The Malls today again, yes again. Kinda tired at the moment. A little Red Wine goes a long way in taking the edge off. I just got a Sketch Pad for me to do Doodles in. Nothing fancy I was actually looking for the book form but could not get in the Price Range. There were ones down in Moleskin. Which really  is not appropriate for what I want to use for. Plus they are damn expensive. So I got the cheap one which is not like a book. What can you do. You cant always get what you want.

Again

So was running around again at the Malls. saw some Interesting stuff. Lingerie to be precise. Not that I bought any. I did however get a pair of pants. Which was a lucky find. Like I said I am not really looking for Clothes at the moment. Since I have more than enough. I guess its one of those impulse buying type things. A momentary lapse in reason. Unfortunately it does happen to me quite often. I am really trying to curb the Impulse shopping at the moment. Which I have to say that I am doing quite well at I have only bought two pair's of pants in the last while. I am also running out of space at the moment. Since my cupboard is really small and is already stuffed. I cant really afford to get any more clothing at this moment. You would not say that after me having bought two pairs of pants in the last while. Don't let that fool you. I am not rich by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes I will buy something instead of getting food. Or at least half the money I have One half for essentials and the Other Half on frivolous stuff. Emphasis on Stuff. Cupboard space taking stuff.

So

So I got to see My Therapist today. What is really cool is that is that the Therapist is part of the LGBTQ family. So it makes so much easier to relate to my Therapist. For a first Session it was not bad. The first one is always hit and miss. Think of it as an Ice breaker session. Just getting to know each other. It really takes awhile before you actually get to the Therapy. Your probably thinking Woop so lot of people go to see Therapists. For those that are in The Closet its quite different. Its the one time you get to let your guard down. Its the only place where I get to speak to someone Face to Face about anything and everything.

Yes

So I get to see my new Therapist tomorrow. The Therapist sounds cool. Then again that was over the phone. So we will have to find out the hard way. More Importantly I am starting Therapy hopefully on a sustained basis. Well lets not get our hopes up to soon.

Yesterday

So I got to talk to my Sister yesterday which was cool since I hadn't heard from her in awhile. Well it was on the net through one of the chat rooms. None the less it was good to hear from her again. Yes I know it sounds bizarre.

Placebo - Running Up That Hill

Dr

well I will be seeing My Doctor today for the once a month check in. Should be alright today since the Meds appear to be working. Now I just need a pill for motivation. lol. No Jokes life is very strange that way. Just when your getting the one side fixed then another problem surfaces. Life is pretty relentless. It just never stops does it.

Irritants

It always amazes how some people can be real Irritants. Just about anything they do gets under your skin. The worst part is that you cant make them go away. Like a fly for instance  You just zap it with some spray and it dies and stays dead. lol