Placebo - You Don't Care About Us

Bad Space

I cant say that I am in a good Space mentally at the moment. I am thinking that there is no real point in continuing to try living under all the subterfuge. I mean that if you don't ever see a chance of being able to Come Out and truly live as you would want to. Then why torment yourself by trying to do it on the sneak. Its like dreaming of something that you know will never come to pass. Now how is that for a Brain Twister. its like you just have to face Facts.

Through Others

The most we can do in any circumstance is. We live our lives vicariously through others. Really not only being One Person but a number of people dependent on what we find appealing in their lives. I have always found this fascinating that in the Movies no one really seems to work. Which in of itself is a problem. You might want to be like that Person but at the end of the day you still need to make money somehow. I have been told that a number of TGirls resort to other means of making money. Which is a shame. I think that only in very rare cases will be accepted by your employers as a Trans Person. I don't think that it has come to that stage where we are really widely accepted.

There Comes A time

Unfortunately there always comes a Time for things or people to leave your life. They filled a Void for a specific time in your Life then they move on. As they the only constant thing about change is change. Well that goes without saying. So onto the next thing. So what am I am lamenting. Its a Forum, one of the first that I found is saying goodbye at the end of this month. I suppose its almost like a death in the Family. Well I cant see anything taking its place. I think that Familiarity brings about a feeling of warmth to Know that there is always something you count on. Everything else can change but this one thing. Then all of a sudden it disappears. Then Comfort goes away with it. I suppose its very much like a Child's Security Blanket.

Placebo - Special Needs

Stress 2

I think more importantly its the chance of being found out. Then everything you have being doing comes out.its like finding out that the person you know is all based on a lie. Which in of itself is Soul Destroying. I really just wish that it could be easier. I think that very slowly things are beginning to change. Where people of a very young age are given a chance to develop without the normal stereotypes. For others its just too late. So in the end there are those stuck and will always be stuck. Plus there are those that can Flourish, I suppose that certain Places are better or more Tolerant of differences. Can you imagine being Trans in some of these really intolerant Countries. Quite a few come to mind. I don't want to mention the countries by name. Just now I start receiving death-threats. LOL. As if there are so many people that read this Blog for me to be noticed by Fundamentalist groups.

Stress

It's quite hard to balance the need for Secrecy and then also on the other side your deceiving People. There really is no easy way to move forward. It really can tear you in two. Deception at the best of times is exhausting. Some times you wonder if it is all worth it in the end?????

Lets See

So I am feeling a bit better for the moment. lets see how long it lasts. This chemical thing is kinda fascinating. Since if you think of it besides energy we are composed of Chemicals. The slightest change can bring on effects. Like taking hormones you begin to grow breasts your skin becomes softer etc, etc. Its all due to chemicals. Go figure.

We Are

I have finally discovered what makes us different from normal women. Its quite simple the Male experience. The longer you have been a Male before the Journey the larger the difference. I know some people will disagree with me. So lets say this is my opinion. That is the first the second is not all TGirls want to be known as having been a Man they want to blend into Society as a "Normal Woman". Then there are the TGirls who revel in the fact that they are TGirls and want everyone to know. Obviously you get varying degrees. I know it cant be so Black and White. Then you get TGirls that want to be Normaly Feminine in their ways and then you get those that want to have a Heightened Sexuality. Once again having varying Degrees. The one thing you can never subtract from this equation is that fact that we were all Male. Which is huge difference from the Normal female. That's why I think we overcompensate. Just an Opinion. Now don't shoot me. Just thinking out aloud again. for it has being bugging me for awhile as to what the difference is and there is a difference  Whether we want to recognize it or not.

Before

I have mentioned this before. Its about associations. Why do I feel more Feminine if I grow my Nails. Not to say that I dont feel it already but it enhances the experience. I don't know if I am making sense at all . Surely you don't need to grow your nails to feel more feminine. Unless I have a Drag Bone inside of me. lol. I suppose all TGirls like to doll themselves up. So do normal woman. Just thinking out loud here. so it would not unusual to want to look and feel. Better than feeling being Drab. i thinking it comes back to the feeling Yourself. Expressing Yourself if you want to put it another way.

Cant Always

I will not be able to post as much as you were used to there for awhile. As I said I spoilt you. So please bear in mind that I am going through a very rough Patch at the moment. Being in the Closet you have to live Vicariously through others but at time this is not enough. So hence we go through extended bouts of Depression as I have said it is a Killer. Nothing to be sneered at. You would only understand if you were in someones shoes like us. So you would do well not to judge us.
Suck it up!No we cant suck it up for its a lot more complex than that. If someone were to say that to you when your going through what I am going through. Hit them with your handbag and then stomp on their foot with your high heel.

"Drag Becomes Him" - Jerick Hoffer transforms into Jinkx Monsoon

New

I might be getting another Therapist besides the one that I have at the moment. Well a Girl can never have too many Therapists. lol

Meds

Ok so I saw My Doctor today and I was told that we need to give the Meds a chance. In the meanwhile I will have to tough it out until it normalizes. That's if that ever happens. Then will have to wait it out and see.

Vampire inspired makeup! Black and White winged tutorial

Real

Well I suppose It really does not count if others cant really share in them. That's what makes dreams special. So I was dreaming this Morning but when I say dreaming the dreams where so real you could touch things as well as the colors were so bright and vivid. You could think for yourself in the dream. It was really awesome. I would relate the dream but it was very contextual and you wouldn't understand if you weren't aware of the specific places and events.

It Continues

So sorry I just cant seem to get out of this Fug that I am in. Which is the weirdest thing is that I am Depressed even though I am on Medication. Go figure. Really just the strangest thing. Think of this Blog as something to keep me sane while going through all these Emotions. I don't even have to be on Hormones to go through Mood swings. I get to do that all by myself.

Its A Killer

You will see the same themes running through my Life and others in the Closet and that is the one of Loneliness.It really is a killer. I suppose that most people experience it as well. For some reason or other.Yet for us its more intense. Not being able to express yourself and talk to people as if you were normal. To be who you are and be accepted for who you really are. You will hear this from me every now and then for it really never goes away. Sometimes its just worse. Like now.

Facial feminisation: 2 months post-op

Support

I am still yet to find a Make Up Vlog done by a Trans Person. So I support the Androgynous Make Up Artists. Plus 1 or 2 Females just dependent on how good they are.Plus we love Michael James he is a Star.

Easy Mascara tutorial

Motivation

For the moment I have no Motivation to do anything which is as a result of the Meds. Then again what drives your Motivation is important as well. Why are you motivated to do something. What do you hope to accomplish by doing something specific. There is an old saying that you must "Count the Cost". In other words is it worth your while to do it, do you have what it takes to do it and will and do you know what the end result should be. We cant always be too sure of the outcome. It like going to the Salon for a hair Cut. can you afford it no 1. The hairstyle that you have in mind will it really suit your face type no 2. Can the hairdresser cut that style exactly as its in the picture no 3. So finished product are you happy ( Well not always). I can think of so many examples of this type of situation. And the most important question is WHY. Why are you doing it? What do you hope to get out of it. So the hairdresser screws it up or the style makes your face look fat etc, etc so on and so forth. Then What? To put another way is it worth your while to go through all the agony? There we go Short and Sweet.

Pixar Short "La Luna" - Shooting Star Clip

I Cant Believe

This guy recently won 140 million Euros in the Euro Lotto. I can not even begin to think of all that I could do with that Money. I know where I would start and that is to make some Plastic Surgeon filthy rich. Not to say they aren't rich already. Ok I would become some Plastic Surgeons best client. As for the rest a girl can only dream. IMAGINE!!!!! lol

New

So I recently got two long stretched canvases. Planning on painting some landscapes. Still have to prepare the canvases. Which I am procrastinating about. Simply because I am Just so damn Lazy at the moment. So Once I got the paint to prepare them then I can start. Till then they will just have to wait. Like everything else. I am thinking of doing contemporary landscapes. Dark and Moody.

Boy to Girl Transformation

Cringe

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2010/11/15/how-to-disciple-a-transsexual/ So I just got done reading this Article. I am afraid I am a little bit late. Since the article was published in 2010.
I was just doing a search to see what other Trans peoples had Blogs. Since I'm interested to see what they have to say. Anyway so I punch my search for "Transexual blogs". So on the second page of the search results this comes up "How to Disciple a Transexual".
Now my hackles are already up since i'm thinking who the Hell does this guy think he is. Wanting to Disciple a Transexual. You will see in the Article that he is pretty clueless as to what the term should equate to. the guy talks about not having had much success reaching out to Homosexuals. (Nothing wrong with being Homosexual) As if its a broad definition for all those in the LGBTQ family. Just thinking about this article makes me irate. I don't want to say too much more since I know People in the LGBTQ Family that are Christians.
You read the article and make your own mind up.

Meet Me HalfWay by Black Eyed Peas

Just love the part when your lifting of into Space. I thought I would just share that, lol

The Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway

Next Week

Next week I will be seeing my Doctor which normally is a very short visit. Like Hello how are you hows the Meds ok,ok, ok, cool lets do this lets do that. then that's it. Everyone is aware that I see the Doctor what people don't know is that I see My Therapist on the sly. Then I get to discuss mt trans Issues. the Doctor does the general things. Ok I will say this I am on Anti Depressants which in of itself goes without saying the Doctor does not know about the G.I.D. So hopefully that clarifies that. nobody knows that I see the therapist. The Anti Depressant thing is pretty standard when it comes to being Trans. Not everyone but I will say that well all have our issues.

049 Would you date yourself?

Are you Kidding Me

Before I deleted this Blog recently for the second time. I have to say it was rocking when it came to views. Now that I am back and under going a Crisis. It has virtually come to a stand still. I did say before that that does not affect me. Since this Blog is more about Therapy than anything else. No I am serious my Therapist said I should do One. So here we are doing my Therapy. So if no one reads it its no big deal. the reason why I mention the rocking part is that I was just dumped by a relative for no apparent reason what so ever. The person sent me a request to join me on my Facebook account. The next thing you know that they have deleted them selves from my account. To such an extent that they don't even respond to my sms's. So go figure. So one moment everything is cool the next dwang gone. It just goes to show how Fickle people are. When the going is good they are around then all of a sudden their sensibilities is offended by whats you did or said. What is more interesting is that you don't even know why they are offended,. Go figure.

Once Again

You will have to forgive me for the next while My posts wont be bright and cheery. I am in a bit of a Fug at the moment. There is a saying that goes like this "Hope deferred makes the heart sick". Which is really true. In my case its "Hope never to be realized cripples the heart". I really don't want to compare to anything because each Persons Pain is unique to them themselves. That's why you must never compare your situation to someone else's. Since everyone deals with situations differently. For we all are different. Well thank goodness for that. I would hate to live in the world where every one is the same.

Lost

The weirdest thing at the moment is that I feel that I am living some else's Life. In actual Fact I feel lost. Just hoping its not the Meds that are making me feel like this. I cant even begin to describe it. Its like I woke Up and my Life means nothing. How bizarre.

Often

Often enough we have to withdraw since the struggle of having to stay in The Closet becomes too much to bear. It is Soul Destroying and keeping up with the Blog at a time Like this just take too much out of me. So hence for me to withdraw for a short while. Not to say that I am over My Crisis yet. Just will take a bit longer. maybe sometime in the near Future I will have to go see My Therapist. Yes we Girls do have Melt Downs.

Placebo - You Don't Care About Us

Back for Now

You will have to forgive me. I had a Crisis and still having one at the moment. This will not be the first time I have deleted this Blog. Only those that are in the Closet will understand what we go through. Even as I type this Post I feel physically sick. More than likely those that were following this Blog have moved on never the Less. That's Life.

What Ifs

Who does not live in their head. Going through the What Ifs. What If I had never done that? What If I had a $1 000 000?etc,etc.
it really does begin to cause brain Cramps. Whats worse it never works out the  way you would expect. Life is also not out to get you as well.
I suppose that if our expectations are too unrealistic then we end up being Disappointed and then we only have ourselves to Blame.

YOUR A VICTIM OF YOUR OWN MIND

The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

Exile

Here we go again.There are definitely certain common events that happen to all T Girls dependent on their situation. So it can range from being Supportive to down right Soul Destroying. Once again all dependent on the circumstances.
It is simply known as Coming Out as anyone else in the LGBTQ Family will tell you. I just wish i did not have to get into this.
Things to Consider before Coming Out:

1. Who will support you Financially or will you be able to support yourself Financially?
2. If you do work what will the Fall Out be at Work. Will you be Ostracized or even Fired?
3. If your at School will you have Friends that will stand by your Side or will you be totally Alone?
4. How will your Family react.
    a. Will they kick you Out?
    b. If they do kick you Out where will you go? Who will support you and
        for how long?
        Can you trust these people to take care of you or is just lip service
    c. Will you still be able to go to School?
    d. Will your Family turn their back on you? "This One is for Adults"
5. How will your friends react? Will you have any left? "This One is
    for Adults"
6. Are you willing to spend the rest of your Life alone without a Partner?
    Through Divorce or when you have come Out. "This One is for Adults"
7. Are you prepared to lose your Family? "This One is for Married Adults"

The list goes on and on but this should be enough to get you thinking. You really have to count the Cost before Coming Out. This List is not to deter, rather it will prepare you for possible Fall Out. The most surprising thing is how people react. You will be Surprised by Who Does What. Well for the most part. The rest are pretty much predictable.You know who I mean.

Not Always

I just had to say I have been Spoiling you guys by posting so much. If you know me by now that it is quite rare that i post so much. So don't get used to it. Also need to mention that my Typing skills are not that good so if you ever see a Typo then you know why. I would actually prefer to get one of those Voice recognition programs. I know you still have to train it to recognize your voice. A girl has to do what a Girl has to do. I tried to find a non saltry clip of Ana but could not.

Staying Home

I don't think I ever got into this. its all well wanting to get dressed up or kinda sorta. You cant always be going somewhere Everyday and Night. Just as much as you cant have sex every minute of the day. So Whats left between going out and having Sex. Well the normal thing. Washing Dishes, doing the Washing( Clothes) etc and etc. Well it really is this that Life is made up. For Instance how many weddings do you go to in a year etc. So Life can be pretty Drab right. Now I am not trying to say that you need to get depressed now. But really be aware that you have to be comfortable with yourself in this Role. Unless your a Drag Queen and entertain every Night. If this is what you need to fell trans. Then Love you aint Trans sorry to say. For its not in the dressing up that we feel ourselves. (No not that way. giggles) It's not a state of Mind its who we Are. Even when we are sitting on the Toilet. lol. We don't need to be all Dolled Up to feel Trans. For if that is what it takes for you to feel Feminine or Like A Woman. Then you have missed the plot.
We are not saying that there is anything wrong with dressing up as a Woman for what ever reason. Trans are simply all the time Trans no matter what we wear or where we are. or even what we look like.
So back to being at home. I think this is we should be able to relax and feel the most comfortable. Its who we are for it must really be stressful out there wondering if you Pass or not . If someone has found you out. Unless you are Ana Mancini who celebrates the fact that she is Trans. Granted that she is a Porn Star. But I have to say if looked as half as good as her I would be over the Moon with tears of Joy running in the field. Sorry got carried away there for a moment,
Need less to say she is damn Sexy well at least I think so. There are others but she is my Fav by far. You go Sister. Love it when Trans people excel in their field not matter what that might be.

Forums

I suppose if your really feeling lonely then there are the Forums. Just be careful do not give any Personal info away. You never know who is on the other side. Unfortunately there are not many good ones out there.The most popular is http://www.lauras-playground.com/chat.htm. Unfortunately its in English only. The nice thing is that there is always Moderators keeping an eye on what is going on. So you don't get any Perverts or any of those who hate us. They will simply be booted off. I know that it really doesn't replace Face to Face contact. But at least you get to talk to someone that is going through the same issues as you. if you really need one on one time try finding a Therapist that specializes in GID. I know they are few and far between. Yet if you look hard enough you will find one. I have to travel quite a way to get to mine. Still its worth it at the end of the day. For the normal Therapists have not got a clue of what you are talking about. Think of it as a Specialist. So why go see the Normal when you can see a Specialist. They get it straight away and don't have to do research in some book to be able to keep up with you. I have added the link under Trans resources. Just make sure you have downloaded the newest Java plug in. There are other that are recommended by Transsexual Road Map. Both links are on this blog under Trans resources. I personally do not go on the Forums since I am pretty happy with what I have.

Arabian Peacock: Colorful Arab makeup tutorial (by MissChievous)

GEORGE MICHAEL - JESUS TO A CHILD - LIVE IN LONDON 2008 (HD-840x480)

Blonde

So I am Blonde. So sue me. I just posted a comment on GenderFun.com. No big deal. But my typing skills let me down. So instead of being off as Stasya Doll it ended up being Stasta Doll. lol. Well can you do the bottle does lie but genetics does not. Its all in the genes.

"Unfortunately there is a common misconception between the difference between Religion and Spirituality. Religion is Mans attempt to contain something in a strict Dogma. Mean while it can not be boxed. So religion is a set of rules that are applied to your life in order for you to be able to say you prescribe to a specific Religion.                              

The Universe is neither  judgemental or arbitrary in its gifting of its Love. Which is Unconditional. And I mean Unconditional. Plus you don’t have to worry about the attitude of others. They are victims of their own minds. Plus Karma really does work. I can vouch for that.

Big Hugs

Stasta Doll

http://stasyadoll.blogspot.com/"

This is what I posted if you are interested.

Disconnected

I have spoken about this before and will continue to speak about. Since as long as your in the Closet it never goes away. I don't think I ever got into Personas. Not to be confused with Personalities. Personas are ways of acting dependent on the company. So most of the time we are playing to different audiences since we can not be ourselves. There are occasions that we do leak out. This can be expressed in different ways. Hand Gestures. Referring to things you like or have a preference for. For example Pink lets say etc. The way you sit can be very much seen as being more Feminine. Etc etc. Now if you were to throw that and more into the mix then you would have an Effeminate Male to the Extreme. Not to be confused with Transvestites or Cross-dressers etc. (Nothing wrong with those type of Lifestyles) Just remember for us its a question of Gender and not Sexual Orientation. We are caught in a Given Gender assignment that does not fit. That is why one of the Physiological Diagnoses is known as GID. Gender Identity Disorder. The Sexuality is another issue to be addressed separately. for once you are to transform into a Woman. Then you pretty much have to decide who you are attracted to sexually speaking. (Sexual Orientation)
Well I digress since this was about feeling a Disconnection to what ever is happening around you. Its like Playing a Character to fool people which you are never allowed to slip. I think for most part the Longer your in the Closet then more difficult it comes to being able to separate the Personas. For they eventually blend together to become a united front. Well the last part is my own Opinion.
To put it simply we are bloody Lonely. lol. In the sense of we can never be ourselves and so therefore all our relations and relationships with others is based on a lie. Talk about a mind bender. For some of us we are pretty much doomed to spending the rest of our lives like this for what ever reason. The Reasons are all valid and can range from the One side of the Spectrum to the Other.
So in essence we often feel a sense of Disconnection as if we are looking in on our own lives from a point of being Detached.

Not Bad

Well so far so good. I can report back that My New Shoes have not yet caused me to want to give them away yet. Which is a good thing since I like them a lot.

Today

I'm trying on my new shoes today I got them awhile back just haven't had a chance to take them on a trail run. They are a bit snug. Hopefully that wont be a problem. you some  times we make compromises to get what we want. Ok so its one size to small its a snug fit Ill take them etc, etc. Only to regret it later. I have had to give shoes away for that very reason. In the shop they were snug but wearing them on a continuous basis could not and did not work. So the pain we go through trying to get the look we want. I really don't look like those around me. I have to tone it down a bit. You know the reason for that.

Yes I Do

I love books. I have a Library of books and Library of books that I still have to read. I recently finished the series by Tad Williams "Sahdowmarch" which was awesome. its a pity to see the death of Characters.
At the moment I am wading through the last of Three Trilogies by Stephen Donaldson "The Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant", "Against All Things Ending".
These three Trilogies have taken me many years to complete. I very seldomly read straight through a series. Unless it is really gripping. Like works by Peter F Hamilton.
Never the less I love books especially Fantasy and Science Fiction. I do however read other books just as much as my taste in music is varied so is my taste in books.

How To Tweeze Perfect Eyebrows (for guys & girls)

Flooding

Some one sent me a photo from a time back. The memories that came flooding back were surprising. I know that I was talking about our memories being different to what they were. Yet Photos are a time capsule that captures a Mood, Time, People and Place. So in that way they are a bit different. Well at least I think so.

It Doesnt

I had occasion to be reminded of something in the past. The weird thing it is never really how we remember it. Looking back you can see what the reality was and it never is as it seemed when you look back. Just weirdest thing. As long as we don't make the same mistakes. Thank goodness we become wiser well at least we think we do.lol

I Think

I think for the Moment I am happy with the look and feel of the Blog. Well for the moment at least. lol. lets see how long it lasts.

Yello - Lost Again

Absolutely

My music is my one Passion that keeps me Sane. There are others but Music is by far the most important. Unfortunately I cant always find the Original Clips on YouTube. Which is pity for I have some awesome music. A lot of the cds I have most people have never thought would be good. They are really varied from one side of the Spectrum to the Other. you have to just be open to what ever is good. Obviously there is a lot of Shite out there as well. Nothing really original most are just remixes or rehashes of Old Songs. never the less it takes all types to make the World. Giggle.

Yikes

The last bunch of Meds I was on was a struggle and it seems this new regime is also just as much of a struggle. I hope  we will be able to find a good set that will agree with me and not have so many side effects. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

Slowly

I am trying my best not to be lazy and doing my beauty regime everyday now. Just remember the earlier you start in your life the better your skin is going to weather Time. An absolute must is try to stay out the Sun as much as possible it will only wreak your skin. If you insist on going out in the sun put on Product that has some form of Spf or UVA/UVB protection.
Ladies the brown emaciated dry leather skin look is unattractive at best its Grotesque, with a Capital G. lol

How to clean makeup brushes!

Catalina Ponor

You go Girl, 24 and competing at the Olympics. This Romanian Girl is the Cinderella of the Womens Gymnastics. All the best we are rooting for you now and onward.

I Have

I have been keeping my eyes out for a replacement for my temporary Purse. All I have seen is those Gaudy "Guess" type purses that were made for "Hells Grannies" on there motorized wheelchairs (Courtesy of Monty Python, you guys rock). I mean Gaudy and I really mean gaudy with all the schlock Gold and just terrible colours. Any bet they were designed by a Man. lol. Never the less I will continue on my endeavors. I have however seen one that is ok but I don't want to settle for Ok. I want awesome I tell you. I demand Awesome. lol.  Please no "Louis Vuitton" those gaudy Plastic looking pieces of "Vomit". The style that has never changed since the Neanderthal days. For the most part I cant stand most of the supposedly Haute Couture or supposedly the Best Brands out there. Are you kidding me. all that pretentiousness ............. you fill in the word. Show me something that is tailored with skill and thought. One of the Alexander McQueen's jackets comes to mind. May his Soul rest in Peace. The boy was a genius. I know that it sound contradictory there are however a few "Designers" that are worth their pinch of salt. like Vera Wang etc. well I suppose that I am just a Tad Biased.

I Don't Want To

I have persuaded myself to go to Gym again today. I think its getting harder especially after being away fro a couple of days. I would hate to see how its gonna be after Xmas. Especially since I am normally away for Two Weeks. lol. Well it will certainly be entertaining. its just I'm not like the others where I have that drive to look like a gazelle. I don't want that thin hungry look. Especially I don't want that Fake tanned I supposedly Have been away on Holiday at some remote exotic Location while you have have been stuck here attitude. well most the time they look Orange and you can see its a Fake tan. lol.
Anyway I just want to be toned just a bit no to the point of where it looks like I have been Gyming. You the "Frog Leg"  Syndrome. You know what I mean.