Daughter, Youth

Weekend

My weekend was not bad did get out a bit. Ran around one or two malls saw a movie. Nothing really to write home about. I think weekends are a bit weird since I can't post or don't feel comfortable posting. Well you know what I mean. By the time Monday comes around I feel like I have been living another life all together. I really cant describe it since it does feel rather strange. Haven't won the Lotto or anything like that. So my Life is pretty much the same. I think I am being rather philosophical today.

Weird

I suppose I am feeling a bit weird today. I have been sleeping quite a lot today and still feel like sleeping some more. I will how ever say that I did have some awesome Dreams. Which were great while they lasted. Nothing like a good Dream. It's like watching a Tv Series but even better. Any way I just don't feel real today I feel weird. I can't express what I am feeling. I suppose it could be a type of Apathy. I just don't feel like doing much. Yeah there we go I am feeling Apathetic.

Hello

So it's been awhile as per normal. This last couple of days I was battling a really sore tooth Ache. Which was not much fun. Just as mysteriously as it came it disappeared. I wanted to go see my Dentist but when I phoned to go see him at the clinic they told me he is no longer there. The last time I saw him was about a year ago. So now what, there are other Dentists there but I don't know them. It is such an ordeal to find good Medical People like Dr's etc.

20/20 - A Story of Transgender Children

Transgender Tears

I am watching a Documentary I think for the second time. I have posted so many it's hard to tell now which I have or haven't posted before. So I wont post this one for I recognize one of the T Girls in The Documentary and I already know her story. Her name is Jazz and started transitioning at a very young age. Ok I'll post even though I might have before. Any way it gets to me at the very core of me and effects me so that I begin to cry. What more can I do. Except to be a voyeur. \this is something I will never be able to go through and it hits me right at the core.

Gym

Yes I manged to go to the Gym today. I took my Lazy arse to the gym. Even though I really did not want to go. I was able to do the Abs Machine for my neck is ok now. I did not tell you when I went to Gym On Wed may neck was sore so I did not do the Ab Machine for it hurt My Neck and was giving me a headache. So today I was able since My Neck is better.

Eeeek

I was thinking whether I should tell this story or not. I have my reasons not to. lol Anyway here goes I came back from Gym and started a load of laundry and then went for a shower. So I have my Shower blissfully unaware. Then I finish up and begin to step out of the shower and as I turn I see this giant spider on the glass door of the shower. I got such a fright. I can't tell you how much I was freaked out. So my immediate response was to take off my Birkenstock and swat the spider. Even though I killed it first time it left me with the Heebs. I was so taken back that it took me awhile to get over it. OMG. lol

Outside of the Bubble

Queen - I Want To Break Free

Keep

I keep on hearing the song from Queen "I Want To Break Free" and that opening scene with Freddie doing the cleaning dressed as a woman vacuum cleaning the carpet. I just love the song since it means so much to me. Yes the song is not about Trans people but I have it as the theme song for my Life. I will post again for I love the song so much that I can't get enough of it.

Can't

I am so used to doing things a bit differently on My Blog. Like I used to Blog every day until I was almost bust and then had to curtail my Blogging to days that I knew there is not going to be a chance of being bust. So much so I miss not being able to Post everyday for it provides continuity with what I am blogging about. Now it just feels like everything is just random. I really can't explain it much better than saying it feels like My Blog is fractured and is not that whole. I hope this is making sense.

Sleep

I am sleeping a lot at the moment and having been doing so for awhile. I suppose its a combination between depression and having lost interest in the things around me. I really don't know if I am going to be able to snap out of it any time soon. Which is draining me of my motivation as well. For instance I could have gone to gym today but I chose not to. Instead just lay in bed. I think that not being able to do what I would want to is some of the reason I have lost interest in just doing things.

Coming Out as Transgender + Advise

Transgender Student Crowned Homecoming Queen

Feeling

Just the other or was it last night I was feeling strange in regards to being Trans. I almost felt guilty for being what I am. Which is weird. I almost felt that I was being selfish for wanting to be Trans or at least for being Trans. I reckon that being in the Closet does screw with your mind a bit. Since you really don't have any support except for your Therapist. My Therapist is a Psychologist. So not a Councillor or one of those lame things. It's important that you go to professionals instead of these so called Councillors who really don't know what they are doing. Anyway back too the feeling weird. I really had a what a I doing moment. Is this all real or is it something in my head. I do know the answer but every now and then you question yourself and it can leave you feeling a bit out of place.

Lazy

I have been really Lazy of late well couple that with being Depressed. I am in a Depression at the moment. Which does not help much. For instance I did not go to gym once last week. I went today which is not much of an Improvement. I was really tired today. Plus the one machine was giving me a headache so I had to stop that. But when I came back home I was really tired and had to ly down for awhile. lol. Well that was after I had a shower. Showering being very important after going to Gym. I do know of people that don't. That can only make you stinky. lol.

Wed

So I am able to Blog today. Yuppie. It being Wednesday. It does not happen often that I can't Blog on a weekday. But stuff happens. I was going to use another word but I chose to be good this time . lol.

What Makes Me Sad The Most

Kylie Minogue - All The Lovers

Panties

So I was running around the Mall this weekend which is what I do on most weekends and I saw this mannequin with this bra and panty set. Now I am not normally attracted to the frilly type or even the Lacy type either. But this was a net one in black which I have to say looked quite interesting. Obviously I could not stand there and look at it so I just caught a glimpse out the corner of my eye. You have to good st this looking sideways so you don't attract unwanted attention. Well it's not like I will ever be able to buy them. lol

My

I have had to curtail my drinking a bit since I am flat broke and will be for the foreseeable future. I just don't have the money to go out and buy stuff. Well there is not a Me Time coming up any time soon so there's that. I am not sad about it was fun while it lasted. Can't always have what you want. Sounds like a song to me. lol.

Well

It's been awhile since I could post. Unfortunately it turned out that I could not post on Friday last week and obviously the weekend as well. Well we all know this by now. Unfortunately I might not be able to post tomorrow as well. I know its been a bit of a bust these five days. I will however be able to post on Wed,Thurs and Fri. So hopefully I will be able to make up for the time I was not able to. Sorry it has to be like this but I am not prepared to put myself on the line just to be able to post. So when the days are extremely risky I don't post. So please bear that in mind for the future. Thanks for understanding.

Robyn - Call Your Girlfriend

'Ladies Please' - the story of the girls who inspired the movie "Priscil...

"Ladies Please"

"Ladies Please" is the documentary of the real Drag Queens who inspired the Making of "Priscilla Queen Of The Desert" This is a really awesome find. I discovered this purely by accident. I am so glad I found it. Its a Real Gem.

Not Sure

Did I mention that for the next two weeks I wont be able to see my Therapist. The first week the Therapist is not available. The second week the Therapist is at a conference. So all in all this sucks. I am so used to going to Therapy once a week. For it not to happen is a big deal. One week is one thing but two weeks I don't know. I just hope I don't become even more depressed because of it. Well it is going to be a long haul.

I Wish

I really wish I could be drinking round about now. I just feel like it. Sometimes I just get into the space where I need to let go. I know it sounds bad that I need alcohol to feel myself. Yes I know but it works for me. I don't have to get smashed just a little tipsy. So it's not like I have to drink bottles or copious amounts of alcohol to achieve the effect. For a moment I thought it was Friday. Which I have to say is weird. It's not like I am wishing time away. It really did feel like Friday. I don't know if you have ever felt that way.

3 Minute Makeup Challenge

TSG 248: Trans Childhood Realization.

Yes

I am still depressed and it is affecting me quite badly. I am trying my best to get out of the fug. But it is really hard. This Me Time I did nothing which is not normal. Well we cant cry over spillt milk can we now.

Late

I have left this Blog late since I was watching a long Vlog just now. So if this is short you will have to understand since My Me Time has expired. We were lucky enough to have the whole weekend. So From today it will be back to normal. Which you will have to understand. I am sorry which means this weekend I wont be able to post. But you know that already.

Are men who are attracted to transsexual women gay?

Jinkx Monsoon - 'Popular' from the musical Wicked

I Might

Sometimes I am repetitive and that. It is only because I really feel strong about certain things. Being Stuck in The Closet does have it's disadvantages. For the same issue still keep coming up over and over again. Certainly there are different aspects that reveal themselves each time the issue comes back again. This we know too. ( I am reinventing the English language as I go, lol) No seriously my Grammar leaves a lot to be desired. I am truly grateful for this space with which I can express. Before this it would have been on a piece  of paper. lol. Viva the Internet in other words long live the Internet.

Transgender Therapy

So I was at Therapy today. Unfortunately I will not be seeing My Therapist for two weeks. Which really sucks. At least I have this Blog which to some extent is Therapy. I don't know what I would do without it. I do know I miss it every time I delete it. I do know that I want to keep it going forward just being a little more careful this time. So there will be no need to delete it. It is food for my Soul.

We Are Transgendered

Transgendered People are just as much part of the LGBT community as any one else. I think that sometimes we are treated like the ugly Step Sister. That being in Cinderella that Fable or Fairy Tale whichever. It does make me sad when we are forgotten.
Anyway none the less I am Proud To Love Myself being A Transgendered person. That you can't take away from me even if I am in The Closet. I am Trans and proud to be Trans. That no one can take away from me. You Will have to forgive me for the Rant I just feel that we are ignored generally.

Drag Queen Makeup Tutorial

WILLAM BELLI: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Transgender Therapy

Well tomorrow is my weekly Depression Therapy. Well that is what everyone would like to think it is. Well as far as they are concerned. But you and I know better. I use the Space to go through all My Trans Issues etc. Tomorrows plans to be a good one. Well I hope since I have already got an Idea of what I want to speak about. No I am not going to tell you. It's too Private. lol.

Did Not

So I will have to admit that I was lazy today and did not go out to get a Dvd. I will just have to stay home and watch Telly. Telly is not too bad there are one or two things I can watch. Nothing spectacular just stuff to watch.

Salad

So I have just had a cold Pasta Salad and Coke for supper. Sure is a really healthy option. When you say Salad it sounds good till you put the Pats before it. lol. I am hoping that it is going to be enough. I do have some Chinese noodles if not. Yes good old Chinese Noodles the staple food of many countries and people. Like for instance students. lol Now I have had a Slice of Swiss Roll with Cream and Caramel. Damn it's good you can't top that believe me it is so scrumptious. I am even making myself hungry in the mean time. Well can I say that there is no Red Wine left so I am on empty tonite. I drank the last two bottles yesterday.

Baked Alaska Thunderf--k with Jinkx Monsoon Sauce

So Just

So I have just had my dinner or supper as I understand it to be. It was one of those Telly diners you shove in the Microwave. I have to say it was really yummy. After that I had some Potatoe Salad, Which I should have had before the Telly Dinner. So Whatever. Either way it was great. Now back to the Red. Well at the end of the day food is food no matter which order you eat in. Now I have just had some dessert which is a prepackaged number. Which was thoroughly delicious. What can I say I enjoy food. Sorry I Love Food. I can't help myself. Yes I could stand to lose some weight. Well I mean who cant. Dont judge me. lol.

Continue

So I am coming up to the last of my Red. I will have to sneak out and get some more. Won't be much since I don't have that much money left. Remembering that my Me Time ends on Wednesday night. So I have three more nights left including to night. I will get a Dvd or two for tomorrow night, Since I did not get one over the weekend. I might even try a Horror Lol. Not my normal Movie to choose from but there has been this one I have had my eyes on for awhile. Then I think I will get some more how can I say normal. lol.

RuPaul's Drag Race Queens at the 2013 NewNowNext Awards, with Damiana Ga...

Coming Out To Parents & Advice

Telly

I had to go watch a couple of shows on The Telly. Which are pretty much my staple since I get to see them every night. So I can's miss them. Anyway they got me a little out of the slump I am in at the moment. I was thinking while I was watching them That I should get a Movie/ Dvd for tomorrow night. lol. What can I say it all depends where you live. Really its a case of semantics really. It really depends on where you live.

I Did

I was able to get some Red Wine as I said before. I am not rich at the moment and could only afford Red Wine. So I am drinking The Red at the moment. I have been watching Vlogs for awhile even a entry Vlog for Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 6. I kinda can identify with it since I am in the entry phase of Coming Out never to be allowed to actually Come Out. There are times when I want to say to hell with all the consequences. Which are immense and just Come Out Screaming. The only thing is that I will be Screaming from all the Consequences if I were to do that. It would not be a pretty picture at all. So I just have to keep quite like a good kid.

Part 2

Listening to the "This Is The Sea" from The Waterboys which is absolutey appropriate for the way I am feeling at the moment. I still have not got to the  Sea.

These things you keep
You'd better throw them away
You wanna turn your back
On your soulless days
Once you were tethered
And now you are free
Once you were tethered
Well now you are free
That was the river
This is the sea!

Now if you're feelin' weary
If you've been alone too long
Maybe you've been suffering from
A few too many
Plans that have gone wrong
And you're trying to remember
How fine your life used to be
Running around banging your drum
Like it's 1973
Well that was the river
This is the sea!
Wooo!

Now you say you've got trouble
You say you've got pain
You say've got nothing left to believe in
Nothing to hold on to
Nothing to trust
Nothing but chains
You've been scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
Scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
But that was the river
This is the sea yeah!

Now I can see you wavering
As you try to decide
You've got a war in your head
And it's tearing you up inside
You're trying to make sense
Of something that you just don't see
Trying to make sense now
And you know you once held the key
But that was the river
And this is the sea!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Now I hear there's a train
It's coming on down the line
It's yours if you hurry
You've got still enough time
And you don't need no ticket
And you don't pay no fee
No you don't need no ticket
You don't pay no fee
Because that was the river
And this is the sea!

Behold the sea!

The world we live in...

Waterboys

I am listening to "The Waterboys"" This Is The Sea" cd. I prefer getting cds as opposed to buying them off the Net. There is so much that goes into the cds booklet which is a representation of themselves in an expression of Art. Nothing like A Glass of Red and the Waterboys. lol. They just happen to be one of my favorite Bands. They are are an old band but I still love there Music.

Sure Did

I managed to get some Red Wine for My Me Time which stars tomorrow. For those that don't know me. Me Time is when I get left alone and then I am able to do what want. I really used to party it up but have settled down. Plus I am kinda broke at the moment and can not get what I would really like to get which is either Tequila or Vodka. In fact I feel like some Tequila. The Gold one. Feeling rich yeah right. Not gonna happen so it will have to be a eager supply of Red Wine. Aaaahhh. What can I do.

One

I was totally shocked to find out that someone wanted to make friends with me on Facebook. It is under my name. Which of course is Stasya Doll which is my chosen name. I am not at all active on My Facebook Account so I was a little bit surprised. The only reason why I keep it going is if someone from my past wants to get hold of me. And there are only three of them. They do have my email as well. Yet I still keep my Facebook going. When time goes on you lose contact with people for what ever reason. Maybe they move on and become busy. But I am always here and never change my Email or My Facebook. So through those two I am contactable. Well apart from My Blog.lol

Facial Feminization Surgery - 5 months Post Op

Sleeping

I have been Sleeping alot of late. The only thing now is I am getting use to it. I only went to Gym once this week and that was yesterday. I don't really go much more than that anymore. Thats how much this current funk is getting to me. It really has changed my life at the moment. I cant even get the motivation up to go to Gym more than once a week. I still manage basic things. I just really have no interest for anything at the moment. Damn it's no fun. I am still seeing my Therapist and taking Meds. So if it weren't for that it would be a lot worse.

Yes

So I have a Me Time coming up. So I have to get ready for it. I don't have a lot of money. So I am only going to be able to get Red Wine this time around. So the coming weekend is mine as well as Monday and Tuesday. I am just not too sure if I am going to be able to get out of this funk. If not then I am going to have a very quite Me Time. I cant imagine that I will be ok by this weekend. So it will probably be quite. Sleeping and watching Vlogs and drinking and a little posting as well. Don't expect too much from me. I just wish I could get something stronger so that I could get wasted. The Red Wine isn't even enough to make me drunk.

HOW TO FILL IN BROWS

So

I am doing a bit better even though I spent most of the day in bed. Which is not always a good thing. Well it happens when you are depressed. We are not talking about being Sad we are talking about being depressed which is a huge thing. Or at least a huge difference. I did however mange to go to Gym today which is a good thing. It went ok. I kinda have to force myself to do things otherwise I will literally be in bed the whole day. So that is it for today. Hopefully I am able to get back to normal some time soon. Please keep me in your thoughts. Thanx.

How to Trim & Style Bangs at Home!! Easy DIY

Still

I went to Therapy today. Which is what I do every Tuesday as you should know by now. It was very interesting today as we discussed a couple of subjects not addressed before. So we will have to pick up next week where we left off today.I am actually looking forward to it. Since it will help me a lot. I am still depressed and probably will be for awhile hence the short posts. I really just am not tin the space where I have topics to talk about. I normally just shut down when I become depressed. I just cant deal. So sorry about that,. Just bear with me.

Transgender Vlog: Name Changes

Washroom Dilemma

Again

So the weekend has past. Wasn't a really good weekend for me. Since I was depressed from yesterday. The rest of the weekend was not that bad. Except for the fact that yesterday overshadowed the rest of the weekend. I am still depressed today. So much so that I really don't have much to say today. I would really like ad rink round about now. I do have an expensive bottle of Whisky which I wont open since it was given to me and I really don't like whisky. I could do with a bottle of Red Wine now to calm me down or mellow me out.

Androgynous Dark Eyes Makeup + eyebrows tut

Notice

I will only be posting on Monday again. I wont be able to post tomorrow.

I Am Proud To Love

Even though I do go through some dips lets say larger than dips more like Canyons. I can say  That I am Proud to Love Myself. I am my best friend or at least I think so. You need to Love yourself irrespective. Stick with yourself through Thick and Thin. And not be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Or at least I try to. The intention is there.

Feeling

I am feeling bit weird today can't really put my finger on it. maybe I have had too much sugar. lol. Well it could be the case. Then again back to reality . I am just not feeling myself today. I feel a bit depressed to tell the truth. I am also a bit Anxious. To tell the truth I just feel like sleeping for I am also feeling a bit tired. Which is the Depression. Yesterday was a good day and today I have crashed.

Found

So I was minding My own Business. lol reminds of something funny. Anyway I decided to Google myself and I found this person who has a You Tube Channel supposedly a 25 year old mtf that calls herself Stasya Doll.No w I van react in a number of ways to this. But I decide out of 6 Billion people on the planet there must be a chance that someone has your name as well. Damn I thought I was unique anyway it turns out that I am not. What is interesting is that they say they are mtf. Come on what are the chances of that happening. Anyway what is done is done nothing to do about it. So Just bear in mind that not all the Stasya's that come up on a Google Search are me. lol. Well thank goodness this Blog is mine. Face Book is mine, Pinterest is mine not that I do that anymore. lol. I just found it too boring.

Going clubbing as transgender / transphobic experience

Transgender MTF Stuff & Faves: Bodyshop, Lush, Maybelline!

Happy For Others

I am drinking a Glass of red wine at the moment which really does not mean I am tipsy or anything like that. Unfortunately I can drink quite a bit before Anything like that happens. So I would be an expensive date if I were ever to go on a date. Now we all know by now that that wont happen Ever. Anyway I am happy that those who are out and about can do things like date etc. Not that it makes it any easier for me.

I Think

This last Therapy session and the ones coming are going to be quite freeing. Unfortunately I cant share with you whats going on yet. But I feel that I am on average of a breakthrough. I can almost sense it. It is a weird feeling but it is a feeling none the less. Well I hope its a break through for me. More in the understanding of myself realm. That is a clue if you wanted one. I think that to be able to understand who you are is paramount. It is also a very difficult task to take on. never the less it needs to be done.

Being Yourself

It took me awhile to come to terms with this next concept. I think I might have mentioned this before. If I have it bears repeating. Well the first thing that struck me is when I was watching women walk. I know this sounds weird but I decide to study them to see if there was any difference between Males and Females in the way the walk. I came up with this and there is no difference between us. Unless your a run way model. Or your trying to be sexy on purpose. Women walk the same way as men sorry to say. I also realized that you don't have to be camp to be accepted as being female. You also don't have to wear any of the paraphernalia that women wear to be considered as being Trans. So ultimately you are either Trans or your not bar all the trappings of being a female. I think this has been the biggest lesson for me so far. This is a personal thing for and might not be true for others. Either way it makes no difference. As I said you are either Trans or your not.

BURBERRY Fall ❤ Vampy Plums Makeup Tutorial

TSG246: I Am What I Am

Another

Another interesting thing is how do you express yourself using the constructs that are in place in your life. Or lets call them lenses if that makes more sense. Do you express yourself solely as one thing or are there variants in your expression. Is your expression influenced by society around you or are you able to express yourself without the stereotypes that are around you influencing your expression. I know that this is a difficult subject and the little that I have said probably does not make too much sense. But it is worthwhile thinking about it. How you express yourself and how it is influenced by your environment and the constructs in your life.

Interesting

So One of the Vlogs had a really interesting topic and I posted one already and that is how would a blind person interpret whether you were Male or Female etc. It definitely got me thinking. Well the only way I can think is that they would try and Identify you by the sound of your voice. They would not know what you look like or how you present. So it would really be the sound of your voice. Beyond that you would have to inform them of your Gender Identity as well as your Sexuality. It would definitely be a new one for non discrimination. For normal people it is based a lot on looks.

Therapy

So I was at My Therapist today and we had a really good Session sorting out a couple of things. it was definitely different from the normal Sessions we have that I can say for certain.

TSG 245 - Gender Blind

Platinum Blonde Pussy

Ultra

At the moment listening to Depeche Mode's album Ultra to be more specific the song Uselink. I just love Depeche Mode amongst other bands. I am just about done watching all My Vlogs. I really do think that Music is a form of escape for me unless it talks about what I am experiencing. Well I cant help if Uselink speaks to me on another level. I am really into Music and consider certain Albums the Soundtrack of my Life. Especially Depeche Mode happens to be a very Important band when it comes to that.

Am

So I am just watching all The Vlogs I subscribe to. Which I have said before help me keep up with whats happening in the Trans World out there since I am stuck. It is quite a big thing for me to keep up. I also need it as a Therapy. (Which reminds me I am going to my weekly Therapy session to morrow. Which I am looking forward to. Since last week My Therapist was on vacation.)

I Am

So at the moment I am having a glass of red wine since I could not post this weekend . I am having a little week end Drinky Poo. lol. Just a little saying lol. No its quite innocent and nothing should be read into it.

Close Call

I had a close call on Friday that is why I did not post anymore on that day. I wanted to but I could not risk it. Unfortunately these things happen. Just as I am not going to be able to post this coming Friday as well. I know but there is nothing I can do about it. It is just one of those things. I wish I could find a way around it but as I have stated before it is just not worth what could happen . So I rather just stay safe that way I don't have to worry out being Outed.