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Gym

I managed to drag my lazy ass off to Gym today. It's only the second time I have been to the Gym this week last week I only went once. So the Gym thing is not a successful thing at the moment . It hasn't been for awhile. Mondays I always mange because its part of a routine. Other than that when it is not part of a routine then my Motivation goes for a loop. Of Late actually for awhile I have been battling to get things together. I am not too sure what it is that is going to pull me out of it.

Hectic

Well I am tanking Back the Red. (That being Red Wine) Yes I actually snuck out today and went and got wine. I think that I need to explain something. The wine I get is really cheap they are normally on sale as opposed to Vodka which is hardly ever on sale and is expensive. I can mange a couple of bottles of Red. But hardly ever a bottle of Vodka. That is the main reason why I buy Red Wine as opposed to the strong stuff. plus Red Wine is not that bad. Can't stand the white wine its too sweet. Listening to Depeche Mode's "Suffer Well". So that's the soundtrack for this post. If you don't know them look them up. I love Music and just about everything I do relates back to Music especially when I am drinking.

Depeche Mode - Broken

Tired

You can get tired of watching everyone's Transition Timeline Vlogs. Especially if your stuck in the closet. In the beginning you can be both jealous and also celebrate the fact that there are people on the road to Transition. Yet after a long while it just makes you sad.There really is not much more that I can say on the Topic for the moment at least.

Sorry

I have been watching My Vlogs. Fortunately they are some funny ones. For I really need a good laugh.

I Really Do

I miss all the people who used to view My Blog before I deleted it this last time. I know it sounds weird but I feel that they got me otherwise they would have followed. Think of it as a way that you know there are others who are out there that are going through similar things.

Wanted

So today I was supposed to go shopping for Booze amongst other things. But it ended up being a lazy day. I spent a huge amount of time in the bed. I really did not want to get up at all. Which is pretty much what happened yesterday. I am becoming really lazy. Why this is happening I don't know. I suppose its I just don't really have any reason to get up. I would rather just stay in bed as opposed to actually doing something. I think my reality is changing. From what it used to be something I am not sure I recognize. Well we will have to just wait and see it turns out. It's almost like I really don't care anymore. There is really nothing for me besides My Blog and a few other things like booze. Which could really be a form of escape since I cant be what I want to be.

Did You Know?

TSG 244 - GLB and T (Chelsea Manning)

I Am

I have been searching for new bands to listen to and have come up with a number of bands about 16 in total. They really can be divided into two categories. I am still searching for more. I like bands that are not common and are on the Alternative side of things. Not to say That I don't listen to main stream bands either. I just happen to have quite a collection of Main Stream music bands. So just so that you know my choice in Music is wide and varied. I just happen to love Alternative Music.

Always

When ever I start drinking one of the Bands I listen to is Placebo. I just love the band and everything they stand for. Especially since Brian Molko the lead singer is Androgynous. Well I know that to be true in the past I am not to sure if he still is. Well it really makes no difference to me that  fact is that he is not another carbon copy lead singer. I just happen to love their music. I know that i have mentioned this before on a number of times. I really cant help myself.

Just

I just had a glass of Red Wine. I am posting and I was like I want a drink. Here we go again. I think posting makes me thirsty. Not in the conventional sense. I mean for Alcohol. I remember when I use to go onto the Forums there was this one Girl that was always drinking Vod and Orenge. (In other words Vodka and Orange juice) Which makes me thirsty just thinking of it. Unfortunately I drank all my Vodka sometime ago and I am poor at the moment for I haven't received money for awhile now. So I will have to make a plan and see if I can get more money to buy Vodka. Most of the time I spend all my money on booze. I sound like an Alcoholic. The only way I feel I can really be myself is when I have Me Time and drink at the same time. I will sneak a drink in every now and then. Don't forget that I am on Hectic anti Depression Meds amongst others. So most of the time if not all the time I do not feel myself. So the only thing that allows me to feel myself is when I booze. Which in of itself seems to be strange but it works. I also stop feeling numb.

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Numb

I am feeling rather Numb and have been for awhile. What I mean by that is that I am emotionally numb. I don't really feel much of anything. I do get depressed but seldomly happy. I just feel wasted. Like everything is Blah. I suppose it does come across sometimes in the Blog especially yesterday. I can't say what it is going to take to get me out of this Fug. Because I have a feeling it is going to last awhile since I have been feeling like this for awhile already. Lets call it a type of Depression if you want to. I suppose part of it is knowing I will never be able to Come Out. Well that would do it for just about anyone.

Can't Wait

I really need the Neon fashion to disappear for its ruining everything that is in the fashion arena. It has been going for way too long. I don't know why people are hanging onto it so much. I personally cant stand it and it is all pervasive. Literally every where you go you see it. Cant wait for the normal colours come back. For heavens sake enough.

Battle

This a constant one. Well not all T Girls are burdened with this one. It's the whats Inside vs the Mirror. For the moment or at least for awhile it has been on my Mind. That is the difference between how I perceive myself as opposed to the reality that I see in the Mirror. Well to put it plainly it does not match they way I perceive myself to be coming from the inside. Now some would say that it is only a Fantasy that which you visualize yourself to be internally. Which I happen to disagree with. It is almost the same as when you hear your voice recorded and played back to you. The two don't match. The way you perceives yourself to sound when speaking and the actual sound of your voice. Well the person I perceive myself to be whether it be that way I look the way I sound the way I come across are way different to that in reality. I suppose that is why they call it GID. Gender Identity Dysphoria. Dysphoria is a state of mental discomfort or suffering. Yes it  relates to the Gender but there is so much that goes with that including the Dysphoria of being in a Males body. Damn I could go on about this forever. Since it's something that I deal with on a constant basis. The difference between the two for me is huge. Not one part matches the other.

Transition Mistakes

Don't Know

I am kinda tired at the moment I don't know why. Plus I also don't have that much to talk about today. It has just been one of those days. Lets say it's like a Lazy Sunday for me today.

Just

Watching Vlogs at the moment. I did have some hassles with the You Tube player where it kept going that there was an error and must try again later. Which is a real pain in the.... Just remember that I have not watched any since Friday last week. So I have a few that I need to catch up with.

So

It's Monday again. This weekend went quite fast. Did  a bit of running around on the weekend. The usual Mall things. That everyone does. I really don't know what we would do without Malls. Nothing Like Retail Therapy.

Goldfrapp - Rocket

Notice

Please remember that I no longer post on the weekends since it is such a risk for me . I can not be outed. My world will literally come to a halt in a bad way. So please be understanding.

I Was

Last night was a particularly difficult night for me since I was really Depressed so much it made me worry. I haven't been this Depressed this much in awhile. I suppose you can only maintain the equilibrium for so long. I am not to sure if you spell it like that, anyway not Train Smash. I told you if you suppress yourself for so long it will come out when you least expect it to. Well last night was a perfect example of that.

The Red

It flows which is a good thing. Sometime I look forward to the weekends it really depends as to what is happening. I think that this weekend will be a little different to rest. For some times it's just a bust. Nothing worse just having Telly to watch. Probably get a Dvd to watch tonight. Listening to Placebo at the moment "Without You I'm Nothing" featuring David Bowie an awesome song if there ever was one. I don't know if you know this about me but I love music. It makes up a soundtrack of my life. It is more than just music to me.

Dear Drew: questions to consider before coming out as transsexual

I Am

Supposedly I will be having some Me Time in September round about the 14th I think. I was made aware of the dates. I just was not paying too much attention at the time. So I at least know that's coming up. I don't celebrate as much as I used to. I think its just because I have Matured to some degree. Well that's how I explain it to myself. Who knows maybe I have just become more depressed as time has gone by. Where it takes a lot for me to be happy about anything. I really don't know I haven't put that much thought into it at all. So it could be a combination of a couple of things. Either way I don't party as much as I used to do.

Music

If I ever want to get in touch with myself I listen to Music especially Placebo. I know it sounds drastic but its when your feeling out of it you will need something to bring you back from whatever your going through, I am not saying that is a fail safe way of getting rid of whatever your going through. It just brings you around especially if you relate  to the music and lyrics. Well it works for me. You must have something that works for you.

Too Funny

Yesterday I was celebrating the fact that I had so many Vlogs to watch. Now I have hardly any to watch. So go figure from one extreme to the other. I suppose you cant keep everyone happy all the time. Right.

Red Is Go

So I snuck out today and went and got some Red. (Red Wine for those that are new) lol. No it it not code for something else. I cant imagine what but none the less. So I have a glass of the Red at the moment I am not going to have any more its just to celebrate the fact that I do have. lol Any reason to have a glass of wine yeah.

Placebo - For What Its Worth

Love

I think that for the most part being Trans definitely gets you to reconsider a lot. Even who you are attracted to. For it throws everything up into the air. First you have to deal with the fact that Your Trans and the whole Transition road. Then on top of this you discover which part of the spectrum your attracted to and it can come in many forms. Sexuality is fluid and people can identify as many various types on the spectrum. So just as people can so can you. For some its obvious for others its a journey. In all of this there is no right or wrong. You just have to find out what your comfortable with and which suits you. This to can change as well. Now in all of this there is Love. Sometimes we can't help who we fall in Love. It can surprise you in ways you could not begin to imagine. You just have to stay open. Well to some of us all of this is obvious for others its a journey.

Vlogs

Today I can celebrate. I have got quite a few Vlogs to watch. Plus one that is quite funny which I have watched already. Anything to get my mind of the fact that I am drinking white wine. lol. Sorry I could not resist that. It can be rather boring when there isnt much to watch. I think it's more the fact of keeping up with whats happening In the Trans Community. Or sometimes what is not happening. Either way it's important to me.

No Red

I felt like a drink except I am all out of Red. So I snuck into the fridge and got out the white wine bottle used for cooking. lol. Not exactly my taste, its one of those dry white wines. yuck with a capital Y. Anyway that's all I could get my hands on. So it will have to suffice. White Wine and Placebo never thought I would see the day. lol.

Face Basics 2: Contouring, Blush, Highlighting Tutorial

Face Basics 1: Color Correcting, Concealer, Foundation tutorial

Trans

Watching a transition Vlog. One those time line ones where you get to see how they change over time from boy to girl. It can be quite depressing since you know that you wont be able to it yourself. I know so why watch them . I like tormenting myself what can I say. No really it is still worth celebrating others achievements and transition.

Forgot

Sorry I forgot that My Therapist is going to be taking off next week for a little bit of a vacation. So I wont be seeing my Therapist for awhile. Which is a real bummer. For I look forward to My Session that I have every week. Well what can you do they also need time off.

Vlogs

So at the moment watching My Vlogs. Still not many. Say about three of them. I miss when there used to be a whole lot. However I do notice that there are two co-lab channels that I have not seen in a while. So wondering what happened to them

Transgender Sessions

So I am back from Therapy. Or as I am calling it now Transgender Sessions. Wasn't bad, went ok. Just feeling a little out of touch at the moment. Or disconnected is another way of looking at it. Does not happen too often. This time it's not serious or as pervasive as it can be. Did how ever wear a pair of pants that are really tight. I call them my Girl Pants. lol

Placebo - Too Many Friends

Drag Queen Tutorial - Wig Stacking

Vlogs

I am crying well not really I am just a bit upset that I don't have too many vlogs to watch at the moment. Normally its a lot more than just three. I suppose I will have to do with just three. Once again here is hoping that tomorrow is better than today in so far as Vlogs go.

Just In Case

I will be going to see my Therapist tomorrow which is quite the journey since its far away. I keep forgetting that I was away from my Blog for awhile and now have to explain everything again. Which is a bit weird. Now I wanted to say something but I have forgotten. lol. Ok I am thinking of changing my day for going to see the Therapist to a Wednesday instead of Tuesday well that's if I can. Here is hoping.

So Far

I have really been slack with the gym of late have only been going once a week. I have been really lazy. Just cant motivate myself enough. Whats worse is that I keep on seeing a whole lot of Blonde Cis Women and they are looking Gorgeous and I have to grin and bare knowing that I could never look like that. I even said that to myself while I was on the treadmill today. They have no idea how good they have it. This is where I should be sobbing. lol. No really Screaaaaammm.

Hello

So I am back. I thought I could try and sneak a post yesterday but then thought the better of it. Just can't risk it at all. Well at least it's Monday now so we can get on with the week and I can start posting again. It's almost like being on Diet not being able to post. Well at least that's over with. Well for one week until this weekend.

Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

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Transition (Transgender Issues)

I don't think that every Trans Girl does definitely want to go all the way with Transition. Yes they would be in the minority in comparison to those who do and want to go Stealth. I f I were ever to Come Out. I would want People to know that I am Trans for I would be Proud to be known as Trans. Yeah stuff all those that would have a problem with me being Trans. Then would definitely be no misconstruing that fact that I am Trans. For those who want to go Stealth that is personal preference and I have no problem with that. Meaning that there is nothing wrong with it. It is personal Choice. Which is made by the Individual. There are definitely those that do advertise that they are Trans. There are even those who do not go through with the SRS and are quite happy with their bodies are as is. Once again in the Minority. I would definitely fall into Minority case. Then again that could change. You never can tell what would happen if you go through the whole Change thing

Red

So the Red is flowing (Red Wine) it could also be Vod (Vodka) but I am fresh out. No Vod today. I will have to go but some just the finances are a bit tight at the moment. Will have to wait until I get some more. Either that or save up. Which ever comes first/

Back

So I am back from My Nap and I feel much better for having taken it. Now that you know that I am sure you feel that much closer to me. Sometimes I have to take a nap just to freshen up. I know it sounds a bit weird but that is what it is. Some call it a power nap. I am not too sure why they do but none the less I need one every now and then.

Really

At the moment I really don't have too much to say which in of itself is quite unusual. I just feel like going and taking a nap.

Not Much

So last night there was not much happening except for the Red. ( Now does this not sound familiar) It will be awhile before I can have a Me Time again. They really are not the same as they used to be. Now a days I am more Relaxed and just prefer to get drunk and watch a Dvd or post or even listen to music. Don't forget looking at the Vlogs I subscribe to. Which is quite a lot. So sometimes I will only get a couple for the day. Still I am grateful for every one that does come up.

Today

So this is a rare opportunity for me today and that being I can post. Well it will not happen too often. In fact very rarely. So I am glad that I can. For tomorrow I am not going to be able to post. So then the next time will be on Monday then returning to normal for the week.

When To Tell People You're Trans

Dame Edna

Self ( Transgender Issues )

I think for the most part this is the most Important aspect of being Trans and that  is Self Acceptance. It really matters that you are able to love yourself. It really does not matter if you pass. It is more the point is that you are able to accept yourself. Yes I know that you would want to pass then what if you cant. Well I can only speak for myself I would not transition . I would only if I was able to have dramatic Plastic Surgery. Then and then only would I star. Before that I would live in kinda Purgatory or place of stagnation. In this I am not joking. I would not if I were to come out. Yes I would go on Hormones for it would give me the stability that I need. ( Hence the Depression). So I would be instate of limbo for the rest of my life which I would be happy with. Kinda Androgynous state. For this I know most people would find this intolerable but I am realistic. I know for a fact that I an not pass as I am now. Finished so therefore I would not want to put my self through that just so I think I would pass but back at the ranch I am as ugly as Dame Edna. Well we have to be honest with ourselves, I love to see when people are able to Transition without a hiccup. issues

Queen - I Want To Break Free

I Keep

I keep getting images of Freddie Mercury all dressed up singing "I want To Break Free". This is how I feel most of the time. Well I am talking about when he has the vacuum cleaner. lol. Just to much "I Want To Break Free". I am sure it must be the same song that a lo of people that are stuck in the Closet would want to sing and if they don't know the song then they must see it. I am going to Post the song at the end of my postings. Ok I know it does not talk or he does not sing about being in the Closet but just the chorus is enough to get you going.

I Hope

Please tell me you watched the Vlogs I posted on Wednesday. For the one is rather heart wrenching. It is a perfect case of what a lot of Trans people go through. "Diary of a Teen Transsexual" is the one I mean. If you haven't I would strongly urge you to watch it. It will however make you a bit frustrated at what goes on. I was. Maybe that is just me. There were times where I just wanted to Screeeaaamm.

I Am

I am quite glad that I am back and reactivated My Blog. I just miss all the people that used to follow. I doubt I will be able to get them back, for they must think that I am gone for ever. Never the less. I think the most important part is that I am up and going. I also how ever have the company of my red wine which I managed to get which makes a difference. Only on the weekends do I drink. I know it makes no sense. But believe from where I sit it makes sense. I don't think that anyone can figure out my circumstances. Apart from the fact that I am Closeted and will never have the chance to come out. No matter how old I am. This is something you will have to remember going forward.

Not

Unfortunately I was not able to Post yesterday due to circumstances. I normally cant post on Weekends but tomorrow it worked out that I will be able to post. I really have to play it by ear when I can post and when I can't. I just have to be ultra careful this time around. As I have stated I am not always able to post. So there will be time if you see that I haven't posted for the day you will have to understand. I would rather be safe than sorry.

Ria: Diary of a Teen Transexual

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Laverne Cox (I'm From Mobile, AL) - True Transgender Stories

Transgender Sessions

AI needed to say this just in case you were wondering. The Therapist I see. I was sent there for Depression amongst other things but I use the Sessions for My Trans related issues. So everyone thinks I go there for Depression but I go there for Trans Sessions. If you were ever to Transition and would want SRS you would need two Therapists to sign off on it. Just remember that. I know it's wishful thinking on my behalf but what can a girl do we have to Dream.

Vlogs

At least today I have a few Vlogs to watch. I love watching Vlogs for it is one way I ca keep up with which is going on out there. I have mentioned before that this Blog is a form of Therapy for me which My Therapist said I should as one form of Therapy. So Vlogs do play a huge part of it for me.I have to have some form of outlet for myself other wise I would literally go crazy.

I Was

I was thinking about hair removal. I would have to dip my head in a bowl of wax to get any results. lol. It is sad that here are not better ways to get rid of hair beside the normal routes that are take. I know they are trying new things but nothing is really taking. For those of you that are Out and about will be able to tell it's a long and costly process dependent on how hairy you are. I know it would be an arduous and expensive task for were I to Come Out ( which is not going to happen) I hate shaving as it is.

Used To

Before I deleted this Blog again. This last time at least. This Blog used to rock. It will probably take awhile to get up to speed as it used to be. Not that it matters too much. At least I knew than that I was reaching a lot of People and they obviously identified with what I was saying. Well if does not get up to speed it really does not matter.

(TW) Gender Dysphoria Blues... They Still Come Knockin' Sometimes

Fantasy

So because I am closeted and have no chance in ever Coming Out. I have to dream about it. Which happens a lot. Trust me it's one of the things that keep me going. I know it's unrealistic to think the way I do. What if I won the Lotto. Then there I could this and that etc. What if were to Come Out and have enough Money to do Surgery well all the ones I would want. Believe me that would be a lot. So much so that if I did do it no one would recognize me. Cool hey. lol. Well at least I think so. So Dreaming is one way I keep myself Sane and drive Myself insane at the same time. For knowing that it will never happen depresses me.

Others

I have been studying how different women walk . It seems to me that there is nothing Sexual about the way they move. There are those that feel themselves. (No I don't mean like that. lol) There are some that tap into there sexy side and allow that to influence how they move. But for the most part normal women just walk normally. Just the same as everyone else. I know this is not something revolutionary but I had to see it for myself. It comes down to the maturity thing again. I know I might not be making ant sense here. Yet I am fully persuaded about what I have observed. It really does help Trans people to realize that they don't have to have exaggerated ways of Walking, Gestures etc. It all comes down to just being yourself. So if you feel like a hot babe (as some men would term it), then let it flow if not then just act normally and walk the way you would ordinarily. Neither is incorrect.

Interesting

So as usual I went to Therapy today. Which happens every Tuesday. Just as I wrote about the Maturity aspect of myself. I realize that the conversation with My Therapist did change a bit due to my realization. Other than that today's session was different from the rest in that it kinds took a different route. No I am not going to tell you. lol

TransWomen & 'Passing'

Careful

I think I talked about this a little already. I will not post on the weekends or on days were I am not alone. It really is to protect myself for I have had to many near escapes which I cant afford to be caught, For it would be disastrous to say the least. So if I don't post don't worry I will either the next day or however it works out. You will just have to bear with me.

Firm

Another thing I have discovered is that I don't like the frilly girly stuff. You know the lingerie. (If that is how you spell it) lol, Any how I like the firm material G Strings and bras without all the frills and bells etc. well I have known this for awhile I have just never articulated it. Well there you go you know now.

Mature

I think that to a large degree I have matured as Trans. I understand somethings a lot better than I used to. I know that maybe we all go through the same phase when we first identify Ourselves as being Trans. I know we have to kinda have to go through puberty and all that girls go through since we never had the chance. It is almost a right of passage for us. What I do understand now is that gestures or the way you walk or even they way you talk what you wear etc. Does not make you Trans . All of this helps but it is not the be all and end all. What is more important that you become more assured of yourself apart from all the paraphernalia. For ultimately it is about you and no what you can add to yourself. I hope this is making sense for it certainly makes sens for . I am just a more mature version of myself now. Really I cant really express it any other way. I still like the paraphernalia but I don't need it to make me feel Trans. For I am Trans already.

Placebo - Too Many Friends (Lyric Video)

This Week

Got to be the Strangest week I have had for awhile. I cant even begin to tell you since it's more of a feeling than anything else. I have just felt really weird this whole week. I did have some Me Time from Wed Till Now. Today it ends. Still I did not party as much as I normally do. I did however spend an inordinate amount of time in Bed. I just couldn't motivate myself to get out of Bed. So most of the days was spent holed up in Bed. lol.No wonder the week was a bit weird. I did and still do feel a bit guilty about the amount of time spent in Bed. It wasn't like I was sick or anything. So this me Time was a bit strange I did drink some red wine each night except for tonight. As I said the party ends some time soon. Then we will back to the Norm

Damn

My heart is still beating fast. It is just the nerves. Still does not make it any easier. I was drinking red wine last night. When I read what I wrote last night I had to have a giggle. No I meant it all just I always go to town when I have been drinking. I would normally only post one Vlog per day last night it was three. I don't even remember doing the last one. I will leave it as is since I  must have done it for a reason.

Have To Say

I am so nervous at the moment it is not funny. My heart literally wants to jump out. It is even sore to some degree. I just need to be so careful going forward from now on. I think that I wont post on the weekends since it is too risky. I cant afford to be Outed whatsoever. So be forewarned today is an exception. Only every rarely will I be able to post on the weekends. All dependent on the situation. For those that know me you understand what I mean

MTF Transsexual 1 Year on Hormone Replacement Therapy

Is My Boyfriend Gay?

I am

So Glad to be back it makes My Heart Glad. What more can I say. It seems like a Sci Fi Novel since I came back. So much has happened. So much that would be Life threatening. I don't think you have an understanding how bad it was. Please light a candle or send up a prayer for me for I certainly need it . It really does not matter what you believe keep me in your thoughts please.

10 ways to better health!

I Had To

I could not stay away for too long for it was eating me up. I even talked about it to my Therapist which was non committal. Obviously being My Therapist they could not say which was right and which was wrong. So I made a decision to start Again. It really is not about the numbers. It is more about my sanity. This is as long as I could stay away.

Ok

So I am Back it has been a really difficult time for me. I have to be more careful. Otherwise this next time will be more than a problem. I can't help the circumstances but I can help the way I respond to them. I will have to be more careful. You will have to forgive me for the time that I have been away it has been really stressful as well as being life changing.