Coming Out - 1 Year Later

Non Op

If I were ever to come out .I would be a Non Op. Well that's how I feel like now that could change but I don't think so. I truly believe that it makes no difference where you are in your Transition your still Trans. Your even Trans when your stuck in the Closet like me. You don't have to go through the whole Transition thing to be Trans. I feel very strongly about this. Since there is so much emphasis in the Trans community as to where you are on the Transition scale.

Can You

I certainly can't believe that it is the festive Season again. This last year was an interesting one to say the least. I think that the one that stands out is me Coming Out to my Relative. Which has to be a huge one so 2013 will be known for that. I don't really have anything else that can top that. Just remember that I will be going away for three weeks in which I won't be able to Post during. That is coming up soon I leave next week Friday. So I am just warning you in advance. I will be back on the 6th of Jan 2014. But I will remind you of that closer to the time again.

6 days until sexual reassignment surgery - don't call it a birth defect/...

The Day After

Well to come to think about it even though I did get to Come Out yesterday to one other person. It really has not made that much of a difference in terms of depression and all of that. I suppose to some degree it helps to know that one more person knows so that being two One My Therapist and two my Relative. It's like jumping in and out of the Closet. Which makes it worse. Especially since my relative lives so far away that its not like they are close and I can speak to them whenever I want to. Which is such a pity. I really wish I had some one closer. Closer as in nearer to me in respect to distance. I thought I should just clarify that.

How To Cover 5 O'clock Shadow

RuPaul's Drag Race Queens at the 2013 NewNowNext Awards, with Damiana Ga...

Done

So I went out for Breakfast this morning with my relative. Which was quite nice since I had a chunky chicken mayo tramezinni with two cups of Cappuccino. So we discussed the Trans issue which was a bit tough for me that is. Need less to say it was not such a big deal for my relative which seemed to be supportive about the whole thing. Which was a pleasant surprise. I did not think there was going to be a negative reaction. Which made things a little bit easier even though it was still nerve racking. All in all I am glad it went down as well as it did. Well at least someone other than my Therapist knows.

Post-Op Boobies Update - Anniversary Approaching

Back

So I am back from my therapy Session which was not bad. Once again dealt with new areas which went ok. Never is easy the first time around. It's amazing that even after being in Therapy for so long you can still find areas that are new to discuss. They might link up to other issues but they are still new. I am sorry I am just frazzled  from the Session I don't really have much to offer today. Tomorrow is also going to be a tough day for me as well. So keep me in your thoughts since I will be Coming Out as it were to a relative.

Do I understand men more?

Considering

I am considering coming Out To a Relative. Which makes me real nervous. Does this mean that I will be able to come out. No not at all. I just need to be able to speak to someone that knows I am Trans and can keep my Secret. It is making me real nervous. I am kinda wavering about it. I am considering on doing it on Wednesday. That's when I will see the person again. I think that more than likely I will do it considering who I will be telling. I trust them enough to keep my Secret. I know its a huge thing which I am endeavoring.

And So

Another weekend is in its Glory. So I watched "Suits" both on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. Completed the first Season. Went out for Lunch on Saturday and Sunday went out for Breakfast. Also got two pairs of pants which is cool. I was looking for the one and wasn't too sure if I would find them So when I did it was cool and then while I was there spotted another pair different from the first. So all in all it was a good weekend.

Types Of Men Who Hit On Transsexuals

Sexuality

Sexuality I probably one of the first things that you deal with when Transitioning. I think the Hormones  has a lot to do with your changing perception. Well I could be wrong here. Never the less I am not talking from experience at all. I just imagine that it is one of the things you have to deal with. I certainly have not made up my mind in regards to who I am attracted. I could be A Sexual for all I know. There is a great chance that that could be true. I see people that are attractive which is normal. It's just I am not attracted to them at all in a sexual way. So that is what leads me to conclude that I could be A Sexual.

Again

So it's weekend again and the week has Flown by so quickly. I had some not so late Beauty Sleep today. Had to get up and do some Chores. Which did not take too long thankfully. I just hate doing chores. I can't imagine that there is anyone who does like doing Chores. Just a reminder that I don't post on the weekends only during the week for obvious reason. I hope every one had a cool time on Thanksgiving.

Early Effects of Estrogen & Testosterone Blockers

Transsexual Carmen Carerra-from "Inside Edition"

Had A Moment

I was just minding my own business thinking about stuff. When a Thought occurred to me about my chosen name that being Stasya. I thought does it really suit me or should I think about changing it to something else. So I was looking at he closing titles of what I was watching on The Telly looking at all the girls names which came up to see if there were any that took my Fancy. I did not see anything then I gots to thinking again and thought maybe my name is not all that bad after all. So I haven't decided to change it.

Too Much

I was sleeping like sleeping beauty today. I had an exceptionally long sleep and could have slept more but decide to get up and come and post to my Blog. I don't think that you can ever get too much sleep. Well that's me at least. My Depression is not as bad as it has been for awhile now which is a good thing I however do get Anxious every now and then. Thank goodness for the tabs I have. If it weren't for them I would not know what to do. Maybe take up drinking. lol

10 000

So its taken awhile but we got there. So My Blog has breached the 10 000 views mark. The last bit was really slow but that's ok. I was just interested to see how long it would take to get to 10 000. My Blog has been up for a couple of years now. lol . Besides the times I have deleted it. So it was not like it reached it overnight.

Enrique Iglesias - Heartbeat ft. Nicole Scherzinger

Trans

So I am watching a Vlog where the T Girl is talking about Post Op stuff she has to like Dilation. I mean that is the furthest thing from my mind. I also understand that not every T Girl wants to go through the whole Transition thing. Some of quite happy to stop before the SRS thing. I often think of what I would do if I would go all the way or not. First of all you need the money for the op. Forget about all the money you need for Doctors and Hormones and what ever else. Nobody said it would be cheap. So bearing that in mind that is one of the reasons T Girls don't go through with it. Simply because they don't have the money. And I would fall into the later category.

Wondering

I was just thinking about the LGBT community in Russia and how thing are going on there. There really has not been that much news in regards to the struggle our family is having over there. So if any of you do know I thought you could share it with us. Leave a comment and I will post it so others can read it. If not I will try to find out myself.

Well

To say the least. I am doing better than I was yesterday. It's almost as it never happened. It's probably I had a nice long sleep well a lie in today. If I am really stressed then I tend to want to sleep or just lie down. It's the way I cope I suppose. Other people cope in different ways each to their own. I just happen to sleep a lot

Jinkx Monsoon - Ring My Bell

Male to Female: 2 Years Hormones Effect

Aaaahhhh

So I have just come back from Therapy. I had to work quite hard this Session. Not as hard as two back. That one was really hard. Today's one was on a different topic all together. I really just feel like going to sleep right now. Yes it was exhausting. I thought I would just lay down for awhile. Yep thts how tired I am. So you will have to excuse me if I don't blog as much as I do normally.

Future Surgeries (Facial Feminization Surgery)

What is gender identity?

Dreams

So I slept rather late today make that very late woke up at about 1:30. Had some really weird dreams again. These ones were no as seriously weird ones as the ones I had last week. These ones had relatives of mine in them. Which I kinda mind when they pop up in my Dreams. I prefer not to dream of them at all. It's my dream so I should have a say after all. lol. I wish it were that easy to dictate who appears in your Dreams.

So

This weekend went out twice for Breakfast. The one on Sunday was really scrumptious the other one was ok. I love going out for Breakfast. Anyhow watched the "Lone Ranger" with Johnny Depp. Which was entertaining to say the least. Nothing for the Oscars but still an entertaining one. Went to a couple of Malls. Started watching the first season of "Suits" which is not bad. I think I am up to the seventh episode already. Love watching series when the whole season is available. Nothing like having to wait a week to wee the next episode. This way you can stop when you choose to.

Went

So I went to go see this New Mall that opened not too far from where I live. It was supposedly supposed to be this cool Mall which it turned out to be like every other drab Mall nothing fantastic. Which is such a pity. So walked around for awhile saw all the shops you see in every other Mall. The chain stores which we all know about. I however stopped at this bag shop just looking around and saw this really cute hand bag which I adored. Now obviously I can't bring this to the attention of anybody else. Any way it was and is still cute. None the less that is about as far as it goes.

10 TIPS FOR DATING A MTF TRANSGENDER

Depression

I have to say that My Depression is quite ok at this moment. My Anxiety is manageable to a large degree. Both of these can change at any moment. I am grateful for the moment that I am in an Ok spot at the moment. I could be a lot better but I will take what I can get.

Had To

Since all My Red had been finished by yours truly. I had to go and get some more. Just before Gym I went and got myself 4 bottles of wine. Fortunately they had a special on the one type of wine I drink. So I got me some. I will pour myself a glass or 5 later when I hit my time for drinking. lol. A Girl has to have Libations when it comes to the weekend. When I have saved enough I will get some Vodka. Maybe some Rum I will see what mood I am in when I go. It will still be awhile before I can go.

Dreaming

So I have just come back from Gym. had a shower then packed some clothes that I had washed. In all of this I was thinking about what I was dreaming about when I was at Gym. And that was shoes. Just thinking what it would be like to walk around in the different types of shoes. Heels, Wedges, pumps ,etc ,etc. I had to be paying attention to what aI was doing. Otherwise I could have hurt myself. Noe the less I was Dreaming on fitting on different shoes. Which I have to say was a pretty damn good dream as far as Dreams go.

Haley Gets Naked for Charity!

b( . )( . )bies at Meltzers

Red

So I have pored Myself a Glass of Red Wine. I know it's still early in the afternoon. I just felt like some wine. And I am not one to say no to a good glass of wine. No Matter the time of the day. I actually like beer in the morning since its so refreshing. lol. I suppose next I will have to go to AA after I become an Alcoholic. I am sure I have tried to justify my drinking before none the less I really only drink on the weekends apart from today.

So Much

I am really looking forward to this December as I do every year. I will be away for three weeks of which I will not be able to post unfortunately it is just one of those things. For those who have been following over the years will remember that I do this every year so consider this an early Notice of sorts.

Can't Say

Well today has been a real bust as far getting anything done. I mean constructive since I have spent a large amount of time lying on my Bed either asleep or just lying there. It has been a super lazy day. Tomorrow I am going to have to get up earlier and do some stuff so I thought I would take advantage of the time today just to be Lazy.

Best Time To Transition & Workplace

Gym

So I dragged my Lazy arse to Gym today. Which I suppose I am happy about since I saw this honey Blonde Girl which was such a treat not only was her hair Blonde but her skin was a honey blonde tan. Just love dreaming about being these Girls . It.s better than looking at magazines I have to tell you. So anyway I was absolutely Jealous. Well what can a girl do.

Hair

I really wish I could shave my whole body . Unfortunately I cant the only thing I can get away with is my Arm pits and my chest don't ask why it just seems to be acceptable. I just cant stand the hair no matter where it is especially having to shave my face every day is an absolute pain for me. Can't stand it. Wish I could do Laser. Can you imagine. Well if you can't I certainly can. It would be such freedom not having to worry about regrowth etc and every thing that goes with having to shave every day. I wouldn't mind shaving my Body everyday  I don't know why but it does seem such a big deal as the face.

DATING AS TRANSGENDER

Thinking

So I got to thinking about how I would dress if I were to Come Out ever. Which we all know won't happen for I am stuck in the closet with no hope of coming out. Yeah that is right. I mention this every now and then just to make sure you remember that.
Anyhow I was thinking as to how I would dress it was an exercise of pure imagination. I think I would have to get some clothes made since I don't see them in the shops ever. yes I would have a very distinct style of dressing. I will go into it at a later stage. Well for one |I would like long black skirts made for me. That's one thing I don't see in the shops ever.

So

I have just come back from Therapy. Today it was a bit lighthearted since then one from the previous week was really hard on me. I just could not stand having two hard Sessions in a row. So at least we covered some ground today and we did touch on Trans issues. Which is always a good thing.

Yesterday

So we had a power failure/ cut yesterday that is why I was not able to post yesterday. So I am back now that is all that matters.

Nails

So My nails were particularly long. Which I love but I have to cut because we don't want people asking why they are so long. So bummer I had to cut them today. I like the French manicure look out of all the nail variety that you get. No that I can manicure them to look like that at all. Since I wouldn't be able to get away with it.

I Don't

I don't want to be A Tranny. Why because I am a Tranny. It sounds weird but its true. I am as opposed to want to be. I have tried to explain to someone before. Even though  I am stuck in the closet I am A Tranny who has not even begun to Transition, What I say is that you don't have to Transition to Be A Tranny at all.
For if you need to transition to be A Tranny then you are not A Tranny. Tranny meaning Transgender. For there are so many different groups claiming the word Tranny like Transvestites etc. Anyway back to being A Tranny. You don't have to do all the stuff to be a Tranny. Same thing goes for the different subsets that find themselves in the Closet. For instance you don't have to come out to be Gay you either are or mot. You can't want to  become Gay. Yo are either Gay or not. It is the same with being Transgender.

Run Around

So I am done running around today. I went to go get My Prescription filled. No these are just some other Meds I take . It's not for my Depression etc. So at least that is done for now. Well for this month. Next time I go it will be December can you believe it. It's just wild how this year has flown. Anyway I then wen to another Mall and picked up 5 bottled of Red Wine in anticipation of the weekend. I will only drink four of them over Friday through to Sunday. So it works out at One and a third bottles a night which is not a lot. Well I mean there are only 4 large glasses of wine in a bottle which is not a lot. Dependent on how large the glass is. Then I went to another Mall and got a can of coke and just sat around for awhile. Then finally went back to the Abode.

Yesterday

I was quite exhausted mentally from the Therapy Session yesterday. It certainly took a lot out of me. So I slept in a bit this morning. Which I think did the trick.

Once Again

I was supposed to go to Gym today but did not go. I had a lot of things to do this morning. So by the time came to go I was so tired I decide not to go. No train smash as far as I am concerned. I will have to pick up on the Gym thing next week. By which time I will have to struggle through the exercises. Which is no fun at all.

Notice

I am not going to be able to post this coming Friday. So consider yourself as being notified. lol. No seriously I won't be able.

Not Much

Today has been one of those days where I have not done much beside going to Therapy and sleeping and you all know why I sleep (Depression)

Therapy

So today I saw my Psychiatrist to do the monthly check up to make sure the Meds are working. Just answer a couple of questions and get the script. Not really that much to the appointment. So really just for the coming Months Meds. Then I saw My Therapist a little while later. They both are in the same region. Today's Therapy was a real eye opener. Also a bit hard on the Self I have to say/ Therapy can get really sore when dealing with your own inner issue. The longer your in Therapy the deeper it goes. So You can't expect a holiday in Therapy Sessions.

Russia's LGBT Community

I watched this Vlog where there was Choral music in the background and where in different cities around the world people were signing large cards in support of the LGBT community in Russia because of the problems they are experiencing because of the government. In the front of the card was written To Russia With Gay Love. It was a very touching Vlog which brought tears to my eyes. Pity I could not post it.

Worried

I am just slightly worried that My Blog is becoming one dimensional now that I can't post Vlogs from You Tube. It's like at the best of times I really don't have that much to say since being in the Closet at the best of times is quite boring. It would be a different story if I was Out and About. Then at least I would have stories to tell. This way it really is the agony of being stuck in the Closet and how I perceive things around  me . Like going to the Gym or Mall. Seeing things and experiencing things. It really does not get better than that I have to say. There might be times when I am feeling depressed and just generally under the weather. Then that is nothing new either is it. Sorry just in one of those reflective moods.

Never

So it's Monday once again. I just love stating the obvious. So the weekend was a bit of running around here there and every where. What with going out to Breakfast both Saturday and Sunday. Some visiting the Malls. Not that I got anything at them. Watched two episodes of The Walking Dead season one on Saturday night. It was ok could become boring if the story line gets repeated and I can't see how it can't. Did got out to do some grocery shopping well that's a shock isn't it. lol

Anyway

This is my last post for this week have a great weekend I will see ya on Monday.

So

So I was at the gym today no surprise there since when I clean The Abode I normally go to Gym afterwards. Anyway there was this one girl that caught my attention. She was wearing those tight pants ans tight shirt. The pants were a dark blue as well as the top. Anyway it smoothed her body out so much that I could not help noticing. So If I was in one of those there would be bulge in the private regions and this is what I was jealous of being able to put something like that and be just as hot. One can only but dream of having such a smooth body.

Blogger

I am really having hassles with Blogger at the moment. It is so Freakin Slow its just unbelievable. I was afraid that I would not be able to post. Since the page was not downloading for me to be able to post. Hopefully the next one does not take as long.

Russia

Spare a Thought for the LGBT community in Russia that are having a rough time of it with the Governments Anti Gay Laws. Just cant imagine what it must be like for them.

Thursday

I just can't believe how fast this week is going. It's Thursday already. I am hoping that this coming weekend will be a good one at least. Not to say that all my weekends are bad. I just need a good one for this last week has been stressful as i have mentioned already.

Struggles

I have to say that each day now is an absolute (I want to say Burden but that is the wrong word) Drag. I just can not seem to snap out of it. My Depression is really taking over. I am have no motivation. I am totally disinterested in just about everything. I really need to find away out of My Depression before it becomes worse. Trust me it can get worse much worse. I probably bring this up every now and then since it is all pervasive. I can't not talk about it since it is such a big part of my life.

Can't

Was a bit Emotional last night. Just could not stop crying. The day had been quite stressful and just too much for me. This really does not happen very often. But I can get a bit emotional. Even movies or Tv can make me emotional dependent on whats on. If it is really sad then I am in trouble. So it was not the Tv that made me cry it was just a stressful day all in all.

As Well

I almost forgot that I went to my therapy Session yesterday. I was so focused on the Tattoo that I forgot. I received some good news. Sorry cant share with you it at least made my day. Just as much as having my Tattoo done. So anyway the Session went well considering I had not seen my Therapist since two weeks ago.

So Sad

So I am watching some really great Vlogs which I cont share with you because of Blogger. I have this one new one where the T Girl is really gorgeous you would never know that she is a T Girl. Well good for her. No seriously what about all those that don't pass. I think they outweigh those that do. It is such a pity that there is no way that they can get Plastic surgery covered by either the government or an Insurance. It really comes down to the life of the T Girl will be dramatically changed if she could pass due to Surgery. Whether that would ever be a consideration I don't know. I do know that I could do with some Surgery myself. For the face that is and maybe a few other spots nothing major. lol

Late

So I got home late yesterday from having my Tattoo done. So much though I was really not in the mood to Post any Posts. So Here I am again sorry for not posting. I know that I don't get to post on weekends so I should post each day of the week. Anyway About a third of my Tattoo is finished. I was hoping that more would be finished by now. Well what can you do. So the part that is finished is looking really great I have to say.

Lonely

I am really feeling a bit lonely being stuck in the Closet. The only space I have for Self expression is when I go for Therapy the Therapist knows that I am Trans but that about it. I used to have Trans Girl who used email me but she has stopped and it has been a very long time since she last emailed me. So really there is no one else. It is really lonely and not having someone to talk about issues and just stuff in general. Yes you can have relationships with ordinary people but its not the same as having someone you relate all your Trans stuff to. You almost become your own best friend. Well you are forced to since there is no on else. I suppose it's all the same for everyone that is stuck in some or other Closet.

Feeling

I have to say that I am feeling some what different about being Trans. Maybe it's just that I have mature in the way that I view myself. Well I feel more mature its not such an adventure its more just the stability that I am experiencing.. So I think that on the timeline I would be past my Puberty and teenager years. Well they say you go through two puberties being Trans. Not hormonaly speaking for myself. I think if I were ever to go on hormones it would be three puberties. Since the one is an emotional puberty not a hormonal one. Sometimes I even feel like a Granny since I view all the really Young ones going through the different Angsts that they go through. I don't know how I would cope were I to come out. One never knows.

Today

I have been a bit of A Sloth today since I stayed in bed for quite awhile. I really just did not feel like getting up at all. So there's that.

Again

So it's Monday again. Well that is stating the obvious. On the weekend went out for Breakfast both on Saturday and Sunday. Did not get any Dvd's but was given the first three seasons of the Walking Dead. It is supposed to be good. I don't know much about the series at all. So I suppose there is only one way to find out. The Internet was tragically slow over the weekend which was a pain in the butt. I was trying to watch My Vlogs and it was just not happening at all. Did get to watch some Yes To The Dress last night which was cool.

I Did

I went to Gym today which was quite normal I have to say there were not many Girls there. I am talking about sis girls not trannys. It would be awesome if there were Trannys there but that is not going to happen.

I Would

I forgot to say that My Therapist was not available this last Tuesday. This coming Tuesday I will see the Therapist at a different time just for this coming Tuesday. The sad thing is that in February I am going to have to swap Therapists. I would tell you why but it's a little bit too personnel. I will however say that I am going to miss my current Therapist a lot for this Therapist is really good and gets me. Then I have to start from scratch with the new one well I really don' have a say in the matter. It is what it is. Don't you just hate that saying. lol

Say It

I hate to say it but Blogger is going a little bit Spaz at the moment. I am no too sure how long this is going to go on for. Hopefully not long. Bloody Blogger.

I Think

I was thinking of starting a You Tube channel all disguised and with a rougher voice so no one would know who I was. lol. But I am pretty useless when it comes to filming. Not the filming part just the being in front of a camera. lol

Sexy

I was thinking about this just now and that is I haven't felt Sexy once since I am on these new Anti Depression Meds. No really well they are hardly new since I have been on them for about One and Half Years now. They really did change me. I use to be a lot more free Spirited than I am now. Go Figure. I use to wear my G Strings and  now I couldn't be bothered. I have just got used to it and have come to accept how things are. I suppose I am sexier in one way that is I don't wear underwear. lol. I don't know which is Sexier really. lol. Well as for the rest it has all fallen to the wayside. I won't go into the rest since its quite Personal.

Once Again

You Tube is still not allowing me to post Vlogs. Last time this happened it took awhile for them to wake up and remedy the situation. For all I know it could be a Blogger Problem. Well anyway I will keep trying until it comes right. hopefully it does.

Bloody You Tube

You Tube won't allow me to post Vlogs. It just does not work. So sorry about that. I will try again tomorrow.

Well

Today is pretty much the same as it was yesterday bar the fact that I did the linen today and packed it away. Woohhoo. So I slept kinds late and then got up to do the the washing and then after that went to Gym. I was rowing and my bum began to hurt so I did not do the full 20 minutes that I did the day before. The rest of the exercises was ok. There weren't as many Girls today but still there were. I suppose there is no escaping that at all. Since it is a Gym after all. Any way I coped with it. There seems to be a lot more shorter Girls than taller Girls. Once again I suppose that's the norm again.

When Do You Tell Someone You're Transgender?

Today

This morning I had a bit of a lie in. That is I stayed in bed for awhile. I then had to go the Doctor to get more Meds. Which was quite fast. I did not have to wait all that long. Which was cool. Then I went to Gym. Where I had to get used to seeing all the beautiful women who are normally on parade around the Gym. Which is quite disconcerting. Seeing that I can't be like them. There are sometime I cope better than others, today was not that bad.

My Transition from Male to Female (with pictures)

Corinne Bailey Rae - Like A Star (New Version)

Monday

Can you believe that the weekend flew by so fast. Can't believe that is already Monday again. Oh well it's here again. Did not really get up to much over the weekend besides the usual Mall trips and One Dvd that I watched. nothing to write home about well that is. Did not buy anything new at the Malls did however go out for Breakfast both Saturday and Sunday. Which was nice. I am having one f those DIY Cappuccinos again. Yes the store bought one. Well not as good as the real thing.
I did sleep quite a bit today just one of those lazy days. I think most Mondays are th same for me. Resting from the weekend Lol. No seriously.

How I knew I was transgender (MTF)

TSG 253: Who Needs Sex To Feel Sexy?

Sexy

You would think that if you were to ask people what makes them feel sexy it would be different things and I suppose it is. So each person feels sexy for different reasons. Mine would be if I could have my nails done in a French Manicure style. I just love how it looks etc. The are other things that make me feel sexy. but we will stick to the Nail thing for now. I know that some people have trouble with the whole feeling sexy thing. Yet it is important for your self esteem that you find out what makes you feel sexy. It's only healthy to be able to feel sexy. Right. Lol

Lazy

So I have just got up after having spent an inordinate time in bed. Made myself one of those cappuccino that come in a sachet. No not the machine ones the one you make in a cup. I am not that rich .lol. Which tasted pretty good for a DIY store bought Cappuccino. In fact it tastes like another. No just kidding. although I do have more. I decide not to go to Gym today since I went on both Wed and Thurs consecutively. (If that is how you spell that, not too sure) So now I am feeling a bit lethargic from all the lying down. Which means I will probably go lie down later again. Lol. The Lazy days.

Transgender To Men: Fetish, Fantasy & Sex Object

Feeling

I am feeling just a little bit better today not much but just a little bit better. The thing is still the same as I said there is nothing I can do about it. Still it does not make it any easier on me. It is going to take a lot to get over the thing. No I can not mention what it is. Since it is very personal.

Gym

So as per usual there was some gorgeous Females at the Gym. Which does not really help me in the least. Not for the reason your thinking. It just makes my Life harder seeing what I would like to be. In that way silly. I was doing the Ab machine and every time I looked up there they were talking about distracting. It's bad enough that I am out of shape now I have to look at these bodies I could only wish to look like. Lol. What can you do.

Sadlerette: Winged Gel Eye Liner Tutorial

Haven't

Of Late I have not been feeling myself to such an extent that it is a battle for me to express myself. I am sure you have noticed by now that my posts get shorter and shorter. I am really depressed at the moment and it's affecting me in a negative way. So much so that it has got me worried. I am worried that I wont be able to snap out of it. So you will have to bear with me as I fight this depression hopefully I will win. Otherwise I have no idea what I am going to do.

Well

I have to say that yesterday was a bit of a bust. I haven't quite recovered from yesterday. The thing is still with me. I am still sad and unfortunately there is no way of fixing the situation. Its kinda one of those things I am going to have to accept. I suppose most of you are going what is she talking about. Well I am talking about the thing that got me crying in my session yesterday with the Therapist. As I have already said there is nothing I can do about it. Which makes me even sadder. I will just have to accept the situation. Well I suppose thats what grown ups have to do and that is roll with the punches. Unfortunately this one hurt a lot.

Nail Salon Incident (Passable Vs Non Passable)

Cry

So I have returned from My Session. That is My Therapy Session. It did not really go too well today and the session ended up with me in tears. So all in all it was a tough one which I don't really want to repeat at all. So I am a little bit sensitive at the moment.

(MtF) Transgender vlog- Choices Comes With Consequences

How to Hide Dark Circles Like a Pro

Forgive

You will have to forgive me since I really don't have that much to say today besides the weekend was not that interesting. I think for the most part I have been just on survival mode. I have not really had too much to think about. I have these periods where I just float through what ever is going on and don't really try to intellectualize any thing. I will however e seeing My Therapist tomorrow which I am looking forward to. Oh yes I do have some news I almost forgot I will be finishing My Tattoo off on Tuesday 5th of Nov. I have an appointment to go see my Tattoo Artist to finish it off. I have to rearrange a couple of appointments since it is a day when I normally see my Therapist. Hopefully My Therapist can see me earlier etc

This

So besides the normal running around in the Malls I watched two Dvd's which were "After Earth" which was ok and "The Big Wedding" which was also ok as well. There really is not much more to rapport. I did not get anything new or anything to add to what I have already.

Well

I did not know in time for me to warn you that I was not going to be able to post on Friday. I am sure you gathered as much. So anyway today being Monday and the start of a new week. We can start again. I am pretty sure that I will be able to post this coming Friday and that there wont be any hassles.

TSG 252: Socializing As A BIG BLONDE TRANSSEXUAL

The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Normal

For the moment I am beginning to isolate myself. Well it's because I am depressed except it's getting quite bad. Since now I have no friends what so ever. I have even fired my Family. Well that's another story all together. So I have successfully chased everyone away. I sometimes feel that relationships are an absolute farce especially if you can't be yourself. For in my case there is no one I can trust to come out to. I would absolutely love to have someone I can speak to with having the fear of them Outing me. This is a luxury. Well I almost think that I would rather not have friends that know me superficially. There is nothing worse than having friends that are shallow. you know what I mean it never goes anywhere.

So

Once again I went to Gym which is breaking all records. The cool thing is I weighed myself and I have lost a couple. So that picked up my mood some what. I was like yeah at least something positive is coming out of it. It would be bummer if it were the other way round. I would be like what is the point of all this stress. For as you should well know by now. I hate Gym it is like a chore for me.

Spirit Day

So today is Spirit Day. I hope you all are wearing purple to support the cause. It's such a pity that we have only one day to support LGBT youth. It should be a more constant thing. Anyway I am grateful that we still do have one day to show our support. There should be a day for all those in The Closet.

Isaac Mizrahi goes purple for #SpiritDay 10/17

Spirit Day

So the 17th is Spirit Day where everyone who supports the LGBT family is going to show solidarity in support of a the young LGBT family in schools etc that don't feel safe. So its a very important Day so show your support by wearing purple.

Depeche Mode - Broken

Annoying

I have this neighbour who likes to play a certain type of Music which I am not going to mention. But I have to say it's annoying to say the least. Not only is it loud but a certain type of Music I can't stand. Which is quite strange if you think about it. Why did it have to be the music I hate. Makes you think.

Nice

I just wish I had something nice to say. Not that I have something horrible to say. So the opposite is not true. I did however go to Gym today. Which was not bad and my session went well. I am trying to go 4 times a week. Whether it works out that way we will have to see. You know its a case of biting off more than you can chew. Or maybe not. Time will tell.

How To Apply Your Eyeshadow Like a Pro

Depression

My Depression is affecting me quite badly since I have lost all my Motivation and now I have lost all interest in stuff around me. We have dealt with it in Therapy and it will be an on going thing I have to deal with. I am sleeping quite a lot because of the Depression which is not good thing as well. I am not too sure what it is that will snap me out of this down ward spiral. Hopefully I don't sink to low into my Depression.

Again

So I went to Therapy today. Which is the usual Tuesday thing to do. Today's was a little bit different since we dealt the normal issues. I suppose they are all related since it is still me at the end of the day. You will have to excuse me since it was a bit of a tough session. Not all of them are like the one today.

How I chose Melissa as my name

Tiffany's Vlog #40 Two Years on Hormones!! A Comparison :)

Breast cancer risk for transgender/transsexual women

Little

So I was messing about with my Webcam getting ready to Skype and I was thinking again what it would be like to Vlog as someone incognito. It would be strange to say the least. I don't think I will do it. It would just be the strangest thing if I had to. Just thinking how it would go.

Was

So went the gym today and saw the usual tall women . Except today I saw one or two short women and the were cute. I know that most people use the term cute to describe babies and puppies etc. Except this women were cute. So I gots to thinking that tall women aren't just the only way to go you can be stunning and short. I only have to think of Kylie and someone that is short and stunning comes to mind. So its possible to be short and stunning. It's not that I did not know this already it's just it came to mind today. We are always putting the tall women on a pedestal and forgetting the short women.

Quick

Well its Monday again. Can't believe how fast the weekend went. Went out and had Breakfast two times. on Friday and Saturday. Watched some Dvd's. Gatsby being the better one. Watched Hangover 3 which was terrible have to say. 1 and 2 were much better. A pity though they could  have done so much better. Went to some Malls and got an Item of Clothing a pants. So all in all not a busy weekend. Just the norm.

Transexual 41 months mtf continuation August 2011 to September 2013

It's amazing...15 months of HRT... #MyTransition

Notice

I am not going to be able to Post tomorrow so the next time will be on Monday again. I know it sucks but there is nothing I can do about it. Rather safe than sorry. Right.

Nothing Like

There is nothing like  bit of good music to get you out of a Fug. Sometimes you just forget about the good tunes. Well I got them going so for the moment it will all be ok. Don't even ask what music I am into since it varies a hell of a lot. I wouldn't be able to list all the bands and musicians I like. Well thats not a big deal right.

The Closet

Not much has changed since yesterday in regard to the whole Transition thing. It will take awhile before I can possibly think about such things for the moment I just want to be. Want to be without the Heartache that goes with being stuck in The Closet. There is stuff that just creeps up on you most of the time and they are unexpected but for the moment I will be happy just to let go and whatever happens happens. I don't know if this is making any sense at the moment. I am trying to say something I am just not sure it's coming out all right? Well lets try one more time. Being in the closet is enough to make you depressed what with all the stuff you cant do and fantasize about . You just need a break from everything every now and then otherwise it becomes too much. There I got it this time. Lol

Ok

So today was not a super lazy day today Managed to do all the stuff I needed to do plus more. So I am all caught up with all the stuff. Well I am glad for that all though it is one of those things that keeps coming around and I will have to do the stuff again and again etc. So there is no escaping stuff that needs to be done. I would laugh but it would hurt to laugh.

My Transition

Male to female transition update video

Express

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that I can not express myself as I truly am. I don't have the space to do so. I think that for everyone its important to have the space to express yourself as you truly are. Even more important than that is to be affirmed and accepted for who you really are once you have begun to express yourself. I know that all of this is self explanatory. Yet for some one who is not able to do such it is a huge burden to carry around. It is one of the main factors in my Depression. So for all of those who can remember all of us who can't.

Again

I was thinking today about Transitioning and all that comes with it. I think that there are times when it really becomes meaningless to me since it really is speaking about something that has never happened to me. It can also be a bit of a bummer speaking about the same thing over and over and for it yet to happen or even worse for it never to happen at all. So what I am saying is that there are times I just get sick of the term Transitioning and also having to watch others go through the process. It really loses its meaning for me at the best of times. I have been in the Closet for a very long time and will be for an even longer time. So you will have to excuse me if I get down in the dumps about it from time to time. Or maybe for long periods as well.

Yet Another

Today has been a really super lazy day since I spent most of the time sleeping. I was supposed to do some stuff but I put it off to tomorrow. Yeah I am procrastinating Again. I do it quite well. You should hear the arguments for putting things off. Lol. I know its sad but what can you do.

Perfect At Home Manicure Tutorial

I Saw

There was this tall slim girl walking along side the road with long dark brown hair. I was thinking How lucky some people have it. Without realizing it. What is worse is that they might even have issues with the re look body type etc. Well I know that most people are unhappy about something about their body. It goes without saying. Where someone like us would just wish to look like some one like this girl. Strange isn't.

Different

So I am back from My Therapy Session. Today's one was eye opening. I won't say I had a breakthrough but I definitely saw things in a different light. It was all about projection. Sorry I can't say much more than that. I certainly have a lot to think about. Ok, I will say this its about how the past influences me now. That's about as much as I can give away. I haven't seen so many things in the same light as I did before. It certainly does make more sens once you see things in a specific way.

When someone throws the tranny word into an argument

Today

So I slept quite a bit today which is a new thing. I have decide that Mondays are Me days where I get too lay about for most of the day. I did however do some laundry so the day was or is not a complete bust all together. I am one of those routine kinda Girls that needs a bit of structure in my life. No it does not have to be all things just the main things the rest is left to chance. Well to when I want to do things. I know this is super interesting. Lol

Can't Wait

I get to see my Therapist tomorrow which I haven't seen for two weeks now. So that is something to look forward to. Well at least it's for me. Then I get to go over all my Trans issues that I have had for the last two weeks. Which thinking about it makes me sad. Since I haven't been able to talk to anyone these last two weeks. I really can'rt imagine what it would be like not to have the sessions. Which I think there is a possibility for it to happen next year but lets focus on this year which is still around. So coll Therapist tomorrow also I get My Monthly Meds as well as seeing My Psychiatrist which happens once a month really to check up how the Meds are doing and how I am coping on the Meds. Remember I am supposed to be depressed which I am so that's why I see the Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist knows nothing about me being Trans its only the Psychologist that does.

Monday

Yes it is. I think this week I am not going to be able to post on Friday as far as I know. anyway it's Monday today and I can today. Lets make the most of each day I say. Well I say that today at least. Weekend wasn't too bad ran around a couple of Malls. One in particular one I went to is very far away in a neighborhood that I like. It's quite different to where I live. So it makes for a change. It's almost like having a Holiday going there . Well it is at least for me. So that's one thing I enjoyed at least this past weekend. Plus I don't get to go there very often and so it makes for a change at least.

Makeup for Glasses!! - My Glasses Collection

Don't Forget

Don't forget that I cant Blog on the weekends and will be back on Monday as per usual.

Patience

I really don't know if this is something that can be developed being in the Closet with no possible way of Coming Out. It's not like you have a choice. It would be different if you had a date you would set for yourself and then have the Patience to wait until everything is in Place. For me it's more like Perseverance with a capital P. Torture would be another word you could use also with a capital T. I suppose there are many words but the reality is one that obvious is a painful reminder especially when watching other peoples  Vlogs about Coming Out. Like we really need to be reminded. Well we can be happy for those that are able to come out even though it's hard. Bloody Hard.

Damn

Well I have to say and I did not expect it to happen. Well I suppose that I had an inkling. They extracted My Tooth. Not to worry it is well was one of my Wisdom tooth top left. They say the tooth was moving around and was infected so it had to com out. Not because it was infected because it was loose. So for the moment I am on pain Meds. Well thank goodness for them.

10 Little Secrets

I Was

At one stage I was even thinking of starting a You Tube Vlog Channel where I disguise myself and my voice. So I tried to record a Vlog just to see how it would go down. But I have to say I was really rubbish at it. I just could not get it together so that is that. So much for starting a Vlog Channel. I think I will just stick to the Blog. Seeing that I am a whole lot better at this than trying to Vlog. Lol

I Don't Know

Why do people have to resort to weird things for shock value. It seems that lot of kids are into it now a days. I don't really want to mention exactly what I am talking about since I don't want to lend credence to the stuff they are up to. But still it is beyond me why they do it.

Super

So another super Lazy day. Slept most of the time. Had some awesome dreams just cant remember them. lol. Isn't amazing how you can remember them when you wake up and later they are all gone. For me it's always that My dream ends or I wake up just as things are starting to get interesting. I have some dreams that just keep repeating themselves over an over well not the exact Dreams but similar themes. I have two themes that keep repeating themselves. I am not going to tell you them since I don't want you psychoanalyzing me. lol. No sorry I won't.

Be Yourself Project: Keira

Today

Yes its one of those slow days today with not much happening. (Besides my Bloody Tooth) Really don't have much to say. Sorry about that. It's just one of those things.

I Did

I went to gym today. There was this Girl that was really slim and small boobs. Anyway very supple. I was kinda jealous for that the type of body I wish I had. She was of average height. Not too tall and not too short. Well I suppose we can all dream can't we. Some people just don't realize how lucky they are and more than likely have issues with there body. Which just goes to show that we just can't win can we.

Aaaaahhh

My Tooth is driving me crazy. It hurts when I eat even if I do chew on the opposite side. I know you really need to know this. I can't wait to go to the Doctor. I need to have this gone.

"Naked Face" Neutral Makeup

Falling Behind

I know this sounds strange but I feel that I am lagging in my progression in as far as my moving ahead as a Closeted T Girl. Even though I am closeted my progression has not come to a direct halt. I do however feel like I have Matured quite a bit in relation to that. I am probably just a bit impatient. Yeah maybe that is it. Just thinking out loud here. lol. You know what I mean. Anyway I certainly have changed my way of thinking about a lot of things and I am not so whimsical as I used to be. I am a lot more practical now. I will explain this at a later stage. Well if I remember to. lol

Again

I slept quite a bit today again. Which is becoming a habit since I am really depressed at the moment besides all the other things going on. I feel like I have hit a brick wall and am not able to get around it at all. Almost like a car when it runs out of gas. I was watching this one Vlog yesterday where the T Girl was explaining that she wont be updating that much anymore and will be moving on. What she was saying that she has reached the point where she just needs to move on. Not to say that I feel like that. I am just not getting the message. What ever that's supposed to be. I have got to some point and cant work out what it is. lol

Doing

I finally plucked up the courage and called up a Dentist and have made an appointment for Friday. Which is a good thing. Since my Tooth is still sensitive and hurts when I chew on it. Nothing like a bit of TMI (Too Much Information) Nah you guys don't mind do you? lol. The Dentist I chose is a woman which is important to me since I don't really trust the men since they can be a bit like Cowboys. Who knows this Dr might prove me wrong.

Daughter, Youth

Weekend

My weekend was not bad did get out a bit. Ran around one or two malls saw a movie. Nothing really to write home about. I think weekends are a bit weird since I can't post or don't feel comfortable posting. Well you know what I mean. By the time Monday comes around I feel like I have been living another life all together. I really cant describe it since it does feel rather strange. Haven't won the Lotto or anything like that. So my Life is pretty much the same. I think I am being rather philosophical today.

Weird

I suppose I am feeling a bit weird today. I have been sleeping quite a lot today and still feel like sleeping some more. I will how ever say that I did have some awesome Dreams. Which were great while they lasted. Nothing like a good Dream. It's like watching a Tv Series but even better. Any way I just don't feel real today I feel weird. I can't express what I am feeling. I suppose it could be a type of Apathy. I just don't feel like doing much. Yeah there we go I am feeling Apathetic.

Hello

So it's been awhile as per normal. This last couple of days I was battling a really sore tooth Ache. Which was not much fun. Just as mysteriously as it came it disappeared. I wanted to go see my Dentist but when I phoned to go see him at the clinic they told me he is no longer there. The last time I saw him was about a year ago. So now what, there are other Dentists there but I don't know them. It is such an ordeal to find good Medical People like Dr's etc.

20/20 - A Story of Transgender Children

Transgender Tears

I am watching a Documentary I think for the second time. I have posted so many it's hard to tell now which I have or haven't posted before. So I wont post this one for I recognize one of the T Girls in The Documentary and I already know her story. Her name is Jazz and started transitioning at a very young age. Ok I'll post even though I might have before. Any way it gets to me at the very core of me and effects me so that I begin to cry. What more can I do. Except to be a voyeur. \this is something I will never be able to go through and it hits me right at the core.

Gym

Yes I manged to go to the Gym today. I took my Lazy arse to the gym. Even though I really did not want to go. I was able to do the Abs Machine for my neck is ok now. I did not tell you when I went to Gym On Wed may neck was sore so I did not do the Ab Machine for it hurt My Neck and was giving me a headache. So today I was able since My Neck is better.

Eeeek

I was thinking whether I should tell this story or not. I have my reasons not to. lol Anyway here goes I came back from Gym and started a load of laundry and then went for a shower. So I have my Shower blissfully unaware. Then I finish up and begin to step out of the shower and as I turn I see this giant spider on the glass door of the shower. I got such a fright. I can't tell you how much I was freaked out. So my immediate response was to take off my Birkenstock and swat the spider. Even though I killed it first time it left me with the Heebs. I was so taken back that it took me awhile to get over it. OMG. lol

Outside of the Bubble

Queen - I Want To Break Free

Keep

I keep on hearing the song from Queen "I Want To Break Free" and that opening scene with Freddie doing the cleaning dressed as a woman vacuum cleaning the carpet. I just love the song since it means so much to me. Yes the song is not about Trans people but I have it as the theme song for my Life. I will post again for I love the song so much that I can't get enough of it.

Can't

I am so used to doing things a bit differently on My Blog. Like I used to Blog every day until I was almost bust and then had to curtail my Blogging to days that I knew there is not going to be a chance of being bust. So much so I miss not being able to Post everyday for it provides continuity with what I am blogging about. Now it just feels like everything is just random. I really can't explain it much better than saying it feels like My Blog is fractured and is not that whole. I hope this is making sense.

Sleep

I am sleeping a lot at the moment and having been doing so for awhile. I suppose its a combination between depression and having lost interest in the things around me. I really don't know if I am going to be able to snap out of it any time soon. Which is draining me of my motivation as well. For instance I could have gone to gym today but I chose not to. Instead just lay in bed. I think that not being able to do what I would want to is some of the reason I have lost interest in just doing things.

Coming Out as Transgender + Advise

Transgender Student Crowned Homecoming Queen

Feeling

Just the other or was it last night I was feeling strange in regards to being Trans. I almost felt guilty for being what I am. Which is weird. I almost felt that I was being selfish for wanting to be Trans or at least for being Trans. I reckon that being in the Closet does screw with your mind a bit. Since you really don't have any support except for your Therapist. My Therapist is a Psychologist. So not a Councillor or one of those lame things. It's important that you go to professionals instead of these so called Councillors who really don't know what they are doing. Anyway back too the feeling weird. I really had a what a I doing moment. Is this all real or is it something in my head. I do know the answer but every now and then you question yourself and it can leave you feeling a bit out of place.

Lazy

I have been really Lazy of late well couple that with being Depressed. I am in a Depression at the moment. Which does not help much. For instance I did not go to gym once last week. I went today which is not much of an Improvement. I was really tired today. Plus the one machine was giving me a headache so I had to stop that. But when I came back home I was really tired and had to ly down for awhile. lol. Well that was after I had a shower. Showering being very important after going to Gym. I do know of people that don't. That can only make you stinky. lol.

Wed

So I am able to Blog today. Yuppie. It being Wednesday. It does not happen often that I can't Blog on a weekday. But stuff happens. I was going to use another word but I chose to be good this time . lol.

What Makes Me Sad The Most

Kylie Minogue - All The Lovers

Panties

So I was running around the Mall this weekend which is what I do on most weekends and I saw this mannequin with this bra and panty set. Now I am not normally attracted to the frilly type or even the Lacy type either. But this was a net one in black which I have to say looked quite interesting. Obviously I could not stand there and look at it so I just caught a glimpse out the corner of my eye. You have to good st this looking sideways so you don't attract unwanted attention. Well it's not like I will ever be able to buy them. lol

My

I have had to curtail my drinking a bit since I am flat broke and will be for the foreseeable future. I just don't have the money to go out and buy stuff. Well there is not a Me Time coming up any time soon so there's that. I am not sad about it was fun while it lasted. Can't always have what you want. Sounds like a song to me. lol.

Well

It's been awhile since I could post. Unfortunately it turned out that I could not post on Friday last week and obviously the weekend as well. Well we all know this by now. Unfortunately I might not be able to post tomorrow as well. I know its been a bit of a bust these five days. I will however be able to post on Wed,Thurs and Fri. So hopefully I will be able to make up for the time I was not able to. Sorry it has to be like this but I am not prepared to put myself on the line just to be able to post. So when the days are extremely risky I don't post. So please bear that in mind for the future. Thanks for understanding.

Robyn - Call Your Girlfriend

'Ladies Please' - the story of the girls who inspired the movie "Priscil...

"Ladies Please"

"Ladies Please" is the documentary of the real Drag Queens who inspired the Making of "Priscilla Queen Of The Desert" This is a really awesome find. I discovered this purely by accident. I am so glad I found it. Its a Real Gem.

Not Sure

Did I mention that for the next two weeks I wont be able to see my Therapist. The first week the Therapist is not available. The second week the Therapist is at a conference. So all in all this sucks. I am so used to going to Therapy once a week. For it not to happen is a big deal. One week is one thing but two weeks I don't know. I just hope I don't become even more depressed because of it. Well it is going to be a long haul.

I Wish

I really wish I could be drinking round about now. I just feel like it. Sometimes I just get into the space where I need to let go. I know it sounds bad that I need alcohol to feel myself. Yes I know but it works for me. I don't have to get smashed just a little tipsy. So it's not like I have to drink bottles or copious amounts of alcohol to achieve the effect. For a moment I thought it was Friday. Which I have to say is weird. It's not like I am wishing time away. It really did feel like Friday. I don't know if you have ever felt that way.

3 Minute Makeup Challenge

TSG 248: Trans Childhood Realization.

Yes

I am still depressed and it is affecting me quite badly. I am trying my best to get out of the fug. But it is really hard. This Me Time I did nothing which is not normal. Well we cant cry over spillt milk can we now.

Late

I have left this Blog late since I was watching a long Vlog just now. So if this is short you will have to understand since My Me Time has expired. We were lucky enough to have the whole weekend. So From today it will be back to normal. Which you will have to understand. I am sorry which means this weekend I wont be able to post. But you know that already.

Are men who are attracted to transsexual women gay?

Jinkx Monsoon - 'Popular' from the musical Wicked

I Might

Sometimes I am repetitive and that. It is only because I really feel strong about certain things. Being Stuck in The Closet does have it's disadvantages. For the same issue still keep coming up over and over again. Certainly there are different aspects that reveal themselves each time the issue comes back again. This we know too. ( I am reinventing the English language as I go, lol) No seriously my Grammar leaves a lot to be desired. I am truly grateful for this space with which I can express. Before this it would have been on a piece  of paper. lol. Viva the Internet in other words long live the Internet.

Transgender Therapy

So I was at Therapy today. Unfortunately I will not be seeing My Therapist for two weeks. Which really sucks. At least I have this Blog which to some extent is Therapy. I don't know what I would do without it. I do know I miss it every time I delete it. I do know that I want to keep it going forward just being a little more careful this time. So there will be no need to delete it. It is food for my Soul.

We Are Transgendered

Transgendered People are just as much part of the LGBT community as any one else. I think that sometimes we are treated like the ugly Step Sister. That being in Cinderella that Fable or Fairy Tale whichever. It does make me sad when we are forgotten.
Anyway none the less I am Proud To Love Myself being A Transgendered person. That you can't take away from me even if I am in The Closet. I am Trans and proud to be Trans. That no one can take away from me. You Will have to forgive me for the Rant I just feel that we are ignored generally.

Drag Queen Makeup Tutorial

WILLAM BELLI: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Transgender Therapy

Well tomorrow is my weekly Depression Therapy. Well that is what everyone would like to think it is. Well as far as they are concerned. But you and I know better. I use the Space to go through all My Trans Issues etc. Tomorrows plans to be a good one. Well I hope since I have already got an Idea of what I want to speak about. No I am not going to tell you. It's too Private. lol.

Did Not

So I will have to admit that I was lazy today and did not go out to get a Dvd. I will just have to stay home and watch Telly. Telly is not too bad there are one or two things I can watch. Nothing spectacular just stuff to watch.

Salad

So I have just had a cold Pasta Salad and Coke for supper. Sure is a really healthy option. When you say Salad it sounds good till you put the Pats before it. lol. I am hoping that it is going to be enough. I do have some Chinese noodles if not. Yes good old Chinese Noodles the staple food of many countries and people. Like for instance students. lol Now I have had a Slice of Swiss Roll with Cream and Caramel. Damn it's good you can't top that believe me it is so scrumptious. I am even making myself hungry in the mean time. Well can I say that there is no Red Wine left so I am on empty tonite. I drank the last two bottles yesterday.

Baked Alaska Thunderf--k with Jinkx Monsoon Sauce

So Just

So I have just had my dinner or supper as I understand it to be. It was one of those Telly diners you shove in the Microwave. I have to say it was really yummy. After that I had some Potatoe Salad, Which I should have had before the Telly Dinner. So Whatever. Either way it was great. Now back to the Red. Well at the end of the day food is food no matter which order you eat in. Now I have just had some dessert which is a prepackaged number. Which was thoroughly delicious. What can I say I enjoy food. Sorry I Love Food. I can't help myself. Yes I could stand to lose some weight. Well I mean who cant. Dont judge me. lol.

Continue

So I am coming up to the last of my Red. I will have to sneak out and get some more. Won't be much since I don't have that much money left. Remembering that my Me Time ends on Wednesday night. So I have three more nights left including to night. I will get a Dvd or two for tomorrow night, Since I did not get one over the weekend. I might even try a Horror Lol. Not my normal Movie to choose from but there has been this one I have had my eyes on for awhile. Then I think I will get some more how can I say normal. lol.

RuPaul's Drag Race Queens at the 2013 NewNowNext Awards, with Damiana Ga...

Coming Out To Parents & Advice

Telly

I had to go watch a couple of shows on The Telly. Which are pretty much my staple since I get to see them every night. So I can's miss them. Anyway they got me a little out of the slump I am in at the moment. I was thinking while I was watching them That I should get a Movie/ Dvd for tomorrow night. lol. What can I say it all depends where you live. Really its a case of semantics really. It really depends on where you live.

I Did

I was able to get some Red Wine as I said before. I am not rich at the moment and could only afford Red Wine. So I am drinking The Red at the moment. I have been watching Vlogs for awhile even a entry Vlog for Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 6. I kinda can identify with it since I am in the entry phase of Coming Out never to be allowed to actually Come Out. There are times when I want to say to hell with all the consequences. Which are immense and just Come Out Screaming. The only thing is that I will be Screaming from all the Consequences if I were to do that. It would not be a pretty picture at all. So I just have to keep quite like a good kid.

Part 2

Listening to the "This Is The Sea" from The Waterboys which is absolutey appropriate for the way I am feeling at the moment. I still have not got to the  Sea.

These things you keep
You'd better throw them away
You wanna turn your back
On your soulless days
Once you were tethered
And now you are free
Once you were tethered
Well now you are free
That was the river
This is the sea!

Now if you're feelin' weary
If you've been alone too long
Maybe you've been suffering from
A few too many
Plans that have gone wrong
And you're trying to remember
How fine your life used to be
Running around banging your drum
Like it's 1973
Well that was the river
This is the sea!
Wooo!

Now you say you've got trouble
You say you've got pain
You say've got nothing left to believe in
Nothing to hold on to
Nothing to trust
Nothing but chains
You've been scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
Scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
But that was the river
This is the sea yeah!

Now I can see you wavering
As you try to decide
You've got a war in your head
And it's tearing you up inside
You're trying to make sense
Of something that you just don't see
Trying to make sense now
And you know you once held the key
But that was the river
And this is the sea!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Now I hear there's a train
It's coming on down the line
It's yours if you hurry
You've got still enough time
And you don't need no ticket
And you don't pay no fee
No you don't need no ticket
You don't pay no fee
Because that was the river
And this is the sea!

Behold the sea!

The world we live in...

Waterboys

I am listening to "The Waterboys"" This Is The Sea" cd. I prefer getting cds as opposed to buying them off the Net. There is so much that goes into the cds booklet which is a representation of themselves in an expression of Art. Nothing like A Glass of Red and the Waterboys. lol. They just happen to be one of my favorite Bands. They are are an old band but I still love there Music.

Sure Did

I managed to get some Red Wine for My Me Time which stars tomorrow. For those that don't know me. Me Time is when I get left alone and then I am able to do what want. I really used to party it up but have settled down. Plus I am kinda broke at the moment and can not get what I would really like to get which is either Tequila or Vodka. In fact I feel like some Tequila. The Gold one. Feeling rich yeah right. Not gonna happen so it will have to be a eager supply of Red Wine. Aaaahhh. What can I do.

One

I was totally shocked to find out that someone wanted to make friends with me on Facebook. It is under my name. Which of course is Stasya Doll which is my chosen name. I am not at all active on My Facebook Account so I was a little bit surprised. The only reason why I keep it going is if someone from my past wants to get hold of me. And there are only three of them. They do have my email as well. Yet I still keep my Facebook going. When time goes on you lose contact with people for what ever reason. Maybe they move on and become busy. But I am always here and never change my Email or My Facebook. So through those two I am contactable. Well apart from My Blog.lol

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Sleeping

I have been Sleeping alot of late. The only thing now is I am getting use to it. I only went to Gym once this week and that was yesterday. I don't really go much more than that anymore. Thats how much this current funk is getting to me. It really has changed my life at the moment. I cant even get the motivation up to go to Gym more than once a week. I still manage basic things. I just really have no interest for anything at the moment. Damn it's no fun. I am still seeing my Therapist and taking Meds. So if it weren't for that it would be a lot worse.

Yes

So I have a Me Time coming up. So I have to get ready for it. I don't have a lot of money. So I am only going to be able to get Red Wine this time around. So the coming weekend is mine as well as Monday and Tuesday. I am just not too sure if I am going to be able to get out of this funk. If not then I am going to have a very quite Me Time. I cant imagine that I will be ok by this weekend. So it will probably be quite. Sleeping and watching Vlogs and drinking and a little posting as well. Don't expect too much from me. I just wish I could get something stronger so that I could get wasted. The Red Wine isn't even enough to make me drunk.

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So

I am doing a bit better even though I spent most of the day in bed. Which is not always a good thing. Well it happens when you are depressed. We are not talking about being Sad we are talking about being depressed which is a huge thing. Or at least a huge difference. I did however mange to go to Gym today which is a good thing. It went ok. I kinda have to force myself to do things otherwise I will literally be in bed the whole day. So that is it for today. Hopefully I am able to get back to normal some time soon. Please keep me in your thoughts. Thanx.

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Still

I went to Therapy today. Which is what I do every Tuesday as you should know by now. It was very interesting today as we discussed a couple of subjects not addressed before. So we will have to pick up next week where we left off today.I am actually looking forward to it. Since it will help me a lot. I am still depressed and probably will be for awhile hence the short posts. I really just am not tin the space where I have topics to talk about. I normally just shut down when I become depressed. I just cant deal. So sorry about that,. Just bear with me.

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Washroom Dilemma

Again

So the weekend has past. Wasn't a really good weekend for me. Since I was depressed from yesterday. The rest of the weekend was not that bad. Except for the fact that yesterday overshadowed the rest of the weekend. I am still depressed today. So much so that I really don't have much to say today. I would really like ad rink round about now. I do have an expensive bottle of Whisky which I wont open since it was given to me and I really don't like whisky. I could do with a bottle of Red Wine now to calm me down or mellow me out.

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Notice

I will only be posting on Monday again. I wont be able to post tomorrow.

I Am Proud To Love

Even though I do go through some dips lets say larger than dips more like Canyons. I can say  That I am Proud to Love Myself. I am my best friend or at least I think so. You need to Love yourself irrespective. Stick with yourself through Thick and Thin. And not be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Or at least I try to. The intention is there.

Feeling

I am feeling bit weird today can't really put my finger on it. maybe I have had too much sugar. lol. Well it could be the case. Then again back to reality . I am just not feeling myself today. I feel a bit depressed to tell the truth. I am also a bit Anxious. To tell the truth I just feel like sleeping for I am also feeling a bit tired. Which is the Depression. Yesterday was a good day and today I have crashed.

Found

So I was minding My own Business. lol reminds of something funny. Anyway I decided to Google myself and I found this person who has a You Tube Channel supposedly a 25 year old mtf that calls herself Stasya Doll.No w I van react in a number of ways to this. But I decide out of 6 Billion people on the planet there must be a chance that someone has your name as well. Damn I thought I was unique anyway it turns out that I am not. What is interesting is that they say they are mtf. Come on what are the chances of that happening. Anyway what is done is done nothing to do about it. So Just bear in mind that not all the Stasya's that come up on a Google Search are me. lol. Well thank goodness this Blog is mine. Face Book is mine, Pinterest is mine not that I do that anymore. lol. I just found it too boring.

Going clubbing as transgender / transphobic experience

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Happy For Others

I am drinking a Glass of red wine at the moment which really does not mean I am tipsy or anything like that. Unfortunately I can drink quite a bit before Anything like that happens. So I would be an expensive date if I were ever to go on a date. Now we all know by now that that wont happen Ever. Anyway I am happy that those who are out and about can do things like date etc. Not that it makes it any easier for me.

I Think

This last Therapy session and the ones coming are going to be quite freeing. Unfortunately I cant share with you whats going on yet. But I feel that I am on average of a breakthrough. I can almost sense it. It is a weird feeling but it is a feeling none the less. Well I hope its a break through for me. More in the understanding of myself realm. That is a clue if you wanted one. I think that to be able to understand who you are is paramount. It is also a very difficult task to take on. never the less it needs to be done.

Being Yourself

It took me awhile to come to terms with this next concept. I think I might have mentioned this before. If I have it bears repeating. Well the first thing that struck me is when I was watching women walk. I know this sounds weird but I decide to study them to see if there was any difference between Males and Females in the way the walk. I came up with this and there is no difference between us. Unless your a run way model. Or your trying to be sexy on purpose. Women walk the same way as men sorry to say. I also realized that you don't have to be camp to be accepted as being female. You also don't have to wear any of the paraphernalia that women wear to be considered as being Trans. So ultimately you are either Trans or your not bar all the trappings of being a female. I think this has been the biggest lesson for me so far. This is a personal thing for and might not be true for others. Either way it makes no difference. As I said you are either Trans or your not.

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TSG246: I Am What I Am

Another

Another interesting thing is how do you express yourself using the constructs that are in place in your life. Or lets call them lenses if that makes more sense. Do you express yourself solely as one thing or are there variants in your expression. Is your expression influenced by society around you or are you able to express yourself without the stereotypes that are around you influencing your expression. I know that this is a difficult subject and the little that I have said probably does not make too much sense. But it is worthwhile thinking about it. How you express yourself and how it is influenced by your environment and the constructs in your life.

Interesting

So One of the Vlogs had a really interesting topic and I posted one already and that is how would a blind person interpret whether you were Male or Female etc. It definitely got me thinking. Well the only way I can think is that they would try and Identify you by the sound of your voice. They would not know what you look like or how you present. So it would really be the sound of your voice. Beyond that you would have to inform them of your Gender Identity as well as your Sexuality. It would definitely be a new one for non discrimination. For normal people it is based a lot on looks.

Therapy

So I was at My Therapist today and we had a really good Session sorting out a couple of things. it was definitely different from the normal Sessions we have that I can say for certain.

TSG 245 - Gender Blind

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Ultra

At the moment listening to Depeche Mode's album Ultra to be more specific the song Uselink. I just love Depeche Mode amongst other bands. I am just about done watching all My Vlogs. I really do think that Music is a form of escape for me unless it talks about what I am experiencing. Well I cant help if Uselink speaks to me on another level. I am really into Music and consider certain Albums the Soundtrack of my Life. Especially Depeche Mode happens to be a very Important band when it comes to that.

Am

So I am just watching all The Vlogs I subscribe to. Which I have said before help me keep up with whats happening in the Trans World out there since I am stuck. It is quite a big thing for me to keep up. I also need it as a Therapy. (Which reminds me I am going to my weekly Therapy session to morrow. Which I am looking forward to. Since last week My Therapist was on vacation.)

I Am

So at the moment I am having a glass of red wine since I could not post this weekend . I am having a little week end Drinky Poo. lol. Just a little saying lol. No its quite innocent and nothing should be read into it.

Close Call

I had a close call on Friday that is why I did not post anymore on that day. I wanted to but I could not risk it. Unfortunately these things happen. Just as I am not going to be able to post this coming Friday as well. I know but there is nothing I can do about it. It is just one of those things. I wish I could find a way around it but as I have stated before it is just not worth what could happen . So I rather just stay safe that way I don't have to worry out being Outed.

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Gym

I managed to drag my lazy ass off to Gym today. It's only the second time I have been to the Gym this week last week I only went once. So the Gym thing is not a successful thing at the moment . It hasn't been for awhile. Mondays I always mange because its part of a routine. Other than that when it is not part of a routine then my Motivation goes for a loop. Of Late actually for awhile I have been battling to get things together. I am not too sure what it is that is going to pull me out of it.

Hectic

Well I am tanking Back the Red. (That being Red Wine) Yes I actually snuck out today and went and got wine. I think that I need to explain something. The wine I get is really cheap they are normally on sale as opposed to Vodka which is hardly ever on sale and is expensive. I can mange a couple of bottles of Red. But hardly ever a bottle of Vodka. That is the main reason why I buy Red Wine as opposed to the strong stuff. plus Red Wine is not that bad. Can't stand the white wine its too sweet. Listening to Depeche Mode's "Suffer Well". So that's the soundtrack for this post. If you don't know them look them up. I love Music and just about everything I do relates back to Music especially when I am drinking.

Depeche Mode - Broken

Tired

You can get tired of watching everyone's Transition Timeline Vlogs. Especially if your stuck in the closet. In the beginning you can be both jealous and also celebrate the fact that there are people on the road to Transition. Yet after a long while it just makes you sad.There really is not much more that I can say on the Topic for the moment at least.

Sorry

I have been watching My Vlogs. Fortunately they are some funny ones. For I really need a good laugh.

I Really Do

I miss all the people who used to view My Blog before I deleted it this last time. I know it sounds weird but I feel that they got me otherwise they would have followed. Think of it as a way that you know there are others who are out there that are going through similar things.

Wanted

So today I was supposed to go shopping for Booze amongst other things. But it ended up being a lazy day. I spent a huge amount of time in the bed. I really did not want to get up at all. Which is pretty much what happened yesterday. I am becoming really lazy. Why this is happening I don't know. I suppose its I just don't really have any reason to get up. I would rather just stay in bed as opposed to actually doing something. I think my reality is changing. From what it used to be something I am not sure I recognize. Well we will have to just wait and see it turns out. It's almost like I really don't care anymore. There is really nothing for me besides My Blog and a few other things like booze. Which could really be a form of escape since I cant be what I want to be.

Did You Know?

TSG 244 - GLB and T (Chelsea Manning)

I Am

I have been searching for new bands to listen to and have come up with a number of bands about 16 in total. They really can be divided into two categories. I am still searching for more. I like bands that are not common and are on the Alternative side of things. Not to say That I don't listen to main stream bands either. I just happen to have quite a collection of Main Stream music bands. So just so that you know my choice in Music is wide and varied. I just happen to love Alternative Music.

Always

When ever I start drinking one of the Bands I listen to is Placebo. I just love the band and everything they stand for. Especially since Brian Molko the lead singer is Androgynous. Well I know that to be true in the past I am not to sure if he still is. Well it really makes no difference to me that  fact is that he is not another carbon copy lead singer. I just happen to love their music. I know that i have mentioned this before on a number of times. I really cant help myself.

Just

I just had a glass of Red Wine. I am posting and I was like I want a drink. Here we go again. I think posting makes me thirsty. Not in the conventional sense. I mean for Alcohol. I remember when I use to go onto the Forums there was this one Girl that was always drinking Vod and Orenge. (In other words Vodka and Orange juice) Which makes me thirsty just thinking of it. Unfortunately I drank all my Vodka sometime ago and I am poor at the moment for I haven't received money for awhile now. So I will have to make a plan and see if I can get more money to buy Vodka. Most of the time I spend all my money on booze. I sound like an Alcoholic. The only way I feel I can really be myself is when I have Me Time and drink at the same time. I will sneak a drink in every now and then. Don't forget that I am on Hectic anti Depression Meds amongst others. So most of the time if not all the time I do not feel myself. So the only thing that allows me to feel myself is when I booze. Which in of itself seems to be strange but it works. I also stop feeling numb.

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Numb

I am feeling rather Numb and have been for awhile. What I mean by that is that I am emotionally numb. I don't really feel much of anything. I do get depressed but seldomly happy. I just feel wasted. Like everything is Blah. I suppose it does come across sometimes in the Blog especially yesterday. I can't say what it is going to take to get me out of this Fug. Because I have a feeling it is going to last awhile since I have been feeling like this for awhile already. Lets call it a type of Depression if you want to. I suppose part of it is knowing I will never be able to Come Out. Well that would do it for just about anyone.

Can't Wait

I really need the Neon fashion to disappear for its ruining everything that is in the fashion arena. It has been going for way too long. I don't know why people are hanging onto it so much. I personally cant stand it and it is all pervasive. Literally every where you go you see it. Cant wait for the normal colours come back. For heavens sake enough.

Battle

This a constant one. Well not all T Girls are burdened with this one. It's the whats Inside vs the Mirror. For the moment or at least for awhile it has been on my Mind. That is the difference between how I perceive myself as opposed to the reality that I see in the Mirror. Well to put it plainly it does not match they way I perceive myself to be coming from the inside. Now some would say that it is only a Fantasy that which you visualize yourself to be internally. Which I happen to disagree with. It is almost the same as when you hear your voice recorded and played back to you. The two don't match. The way you perceives yourself to sound when speaking and the actual sound of your voice. Well the person I perceive myself to be whether it be that way I look the way I sound the way I come across are way different to that in reality. I suppose that is why they call it GID. Gender Identity Dysphoria. Dysphoria is a state of mental discomfort or suffering. Yes it  relates to the Gender but there is so much that goes with that including the Dysphoria of being in a Males body. Damn I could go on about this forever. Since it's something that I deal with on a constant basis. The difference between the two for me is huge. Not one part matches the other.